Lily: "Oh, stranger Max who is dating both my daughter and my fake niece/surrogate daughter now that Jenny has died in the muddy old Thames. Are you coming to the shower? Charlie and Blair are already pretending they're friends, so one more fake person shouldn't be a problem."
Max: "No, I'm going to take the money and run. Being treated like a whore sometimes turns you into one, like, immediately."
Lily: "I've been married eight times, trust me. Hey, look at this random picture."
Max: "It's very ... nice?"
Lily: "Am I acting weird? I'm really drunk. Anyway, this is our whole family. Minus almost all of our children, for some reason. And there's Charlie's mom!"
Max: "That is not Charlie's mom. I have to go digging around now so I can blackmail her some more."
Diana: "Nate, this is so great! If you were Ivy I would probably slap you for sitting on this all this time, but since you're Nate here's a doggie treat."
Nate: "Serena said we can't use it."
Diana: "No, fuck your friends over. I think you're just trying to save your ass so people don't see all the salacious things you've sent in to Gossip Girl."
Nate: (Honestly doesn't even know that he never sent anything to GG.)
Diana: "Let's just see how many of your friends you've betrayed over the years... Oh shit, you never emailed her once."
Diana's Heart: Grows three sizes in this moment; it is so stupid.
Diana, verbatim: "You really are a good, honest man, aren't you? I didn't think anyone like you existed anymore! Let's have sex and I won't use this to save our company because you're so amazing."
I love how on this show now when they say "good" they mean "actual white-hat-wearing" good, puppies shooting out your ass good, and when they say "bad" they mean "total evil." It makes things so simple. Anyway, Diana calls William because now Nate is Good and she is Good and Granderbilt is Bad.
Lily takes not just a tiny morsel but a huge helping of satisfaction lying to Blair about the party. It's probably the funniest scene in the whole episode, watching her dick Blair around: "Serena's out getting the dessert for the party! Hawaiian shaved ice, with all the best flavors! Including everyone's favorite: Tuuuuutti Fruuuuuutti!" Just brilliant. Anyway, Blair is losing her shit.