Rufus sits Chez Humphrey, playing the guitar and continuing to look fine, when his son comes home crying again. Before he can even ask Dan what Nate did to him this week, he busts into a long and not-untrue speech about the evils of Blair Waldorf, whom he calls "basically everything" he hates about the UES, "distilled into one 95-pound, doe-eyed, bon mot-tossing, label-whoring package of girlie evil." Not bad, Dan. He then ruins it with some Dan-talk: "I would barely be exaggerating if I told you Medusa wants her withering glare back." Don't start that Edith Hamilton bollocks with me, you annoying high school junior. Rufus explains this show, The O.C., and every other show where people do awesome, awful things: "Usually there's something beneath the surface with people like that, to make them act the way they do." Is there something beneath the surface of Rufus to make him explain basic shit to the audience? In fact, can we say with certainty that there's anything beneath the surface of Rufus at all? No? Take off your pants, Rufus!

"Like what, the OJ in her mimosa was from concentrate, not fresh-squeezed?" Heh. Dan's up again. And then right back down: "And what, and what does this say about Serena, that this is her best friend?" NOTHING THAT IS YOUR BUSINESS. GOD. It tells you that Serena loves Blair, warts and all, and is well aware of her faults but can see past them because she is committed to supporting her friend, because that's what friends do. You know who else told you that? Serena! In every goddamn scene on this show! What's underneath the surface of you, Dan, that makes you hate and mistrust women so much? Rufus helps supply the answer to that one: "I dated a girl like Serena once...actually, a lot like Serena." Same last name, even. "And girls like that are challenging, it's true. They're complicated and enigmatic [!]...and usually worth it. And the only way you'll know for sure is to jump in with both feet." I love it when Rufus explains the rules of manhood to Dan, like they're both not big old girls. Dan asks what happened when Rufus jumped with both feet into Lily van der Woodsen, and he admits that after swimming for a while, he drowned. Dan thanks him for the shitty talk and goes back to making a list of people to judge, other people's lives that he can turn into his own personal burden, and clothes he looks smokin' hot in.