Gossip Girl
Bad News Blair

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Devil Wears Waldorf

Blair sits in a hallway, looking tiny. Dan approaches, looking huge. "Serena send you here to talk to me?" No, he admits, it's all him. "Normally I wouldn't be this close to you without a tetanus shot." Word. She looks away without protesting, and he slides down the wall, sitting so he's facing perpendicular to her, and tells her his life story, because apparently that's how we solve problems on this show. "My mom kinda left us a couple months ago, only my dad and my sister don't really see that. Because she told us she had to go away for the summer to follow her dream of being an artist. But it's not summer anymore, and she's still up there, and that's all she seems to care about right now. Every time I go to see her, I tell myself, this time I'm gonna tell her what I think. This time, I'm gonna look her in the eye and say, either come home or leave for good. And so there I was, just the other day. I was sitting across the table from her, looking her straight in the eye, and I didn't say anything." Blair's like, "I don't understand your logic. Why didn't you destroy her?" Her confused face is awesome; she really doesn't get it. "I don't know, but I wish I had, because even if it didn't change anything, she'd know how I felt." Blair looks at sixteen different places on the ceiling and nods, because on this show we fall on our knees before biography, every single time.

Some poker things happen with Nate. I don't know what they are. There's a "bullet," and then there are numbers, and something called a "marker," and that means the old Archibald IOU, and then there are more "bullets," and Nate is sad, so...I guess he lost. You could be like, "In poker we have a sudden-death round where they bring out a goat," and I'd be like, "I think I saw that on television this one time." The Hobbit keeps looking at the Eastern-European-looking mean guys so you realize that he's totally in on this, all, "Just call your Daddy, snap your fingers," and eventually Nate figures it out. Since the Hobbit is the only person on this show that Nate could ever conceivably drop, counting the girls, counting Jenny probably, he attacks him, and all the scary men get scary. Then Chuck shows up out of nowhere, because this is the kind of scary Hobbit poker where anybody can find it. Maybe Chuck has a tracking device on Nate, just like the rest of his bitches. Things are tense but not, like, Ryan Atwood-tense, due to how most of the tough guys are wearing ascots during the fisticuffs, and Chuck finally tells the Hobbit to cash in the Piaget watch and the Babe Ruth ball and pay the guys himself, and that Chuck and Nate will leave Queens without telling the cops what's up. Everybody stares at everybody for a million years.

Back at the Palace, more staring. Nate finds that his trust, formerly in the 200K range, is at zero. Chuck's like, "You don't have to pay me back...with money," but Nate feels bad about almost getting murdered in a buffet restaurant, so he calls his banker, who tells him the Captain, Nate's dad, liquidated his benjies earlier this week for nefarious purposes, meaning that the direness of the forced marriage to Blair is even more important than before. "He said he discussed it with you?" Nate stares out the window, Chuck stares at Nate, I stare at Chuck and wonder why his face is like that.

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Gossip Girl




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