Gossip Girl
Bad News Blair

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
The Devil Wears Waldorf

Gossip Girl's like, "Speaking of surprising dates, Chuck and Nate are not on one." They break off nuzzling each other like inbred puppies long enough to get together a massive Piaget watch and Babe Ruth's "called shot" home run ball. I don't know what that means; in my world that means double Stolis. I think it's about baseball but it could be about World War II for all I know. I must Google Babe Ruth forthwith. So they get their crap together and go to some party at a cheap-looking suite, where Chuck makes a speech about how after Ivy Week they all feel so jaded and whatever that they have to get drunk and fuck hookers and live by Chuck's rules. Dude, if I was locked in a room and Chuck was like, "You practice what I preach," I would jump out a window. No means no! But these boys are jaded, so they're like, "I call the twins! Please do not rape me, Chuck!"

A wee sexy little Hobbit with intense bedhead appears, wearing a Mexican pullover like on 90210 and smelling like hash and Arabica. This episode is brought to you in Smell-O-Vision and what you're smelling is hippie Hobbit. With whom Nate is apparently head over heels in love, which drives Chuck to distraction. Chuck babbles hatefully on and on about how horrible this Hobbit must be, and Nate's all googly-eyed, and finally Nate just wanders off and starts licking the Hobbit's sideburns and cupping his fanny pack. Chuck is, understandably, icked out. "Anyone who trades their trust fund for a fanny pack flies in the face of all that is holy to Chuck Bass!" Gossip Girl is like, "Bitch fight!"

Blair and Serena giggle their way down the street in consumption mode. Two suits ogle Serena and act not very forward with them, and Blair's like, "You are a curse." Serena protests that they were looking at both of them, which it's obvious they were, but Blair's not having it. She compares the entire population of Manhattan wanting to tap Serena with how even her own mom wants to tap Serena, and Serena's like, "Dude, shut up, your mom thinks you're great." And also that you suck! Blair continues to grouse about it, having a legit point, and Serena continues to smile in the face of dysfunction, also having a legit point: "You are her daughter. She doesn't like anyone more than you. She just...doesn't know how to show it sometimes." Blair's like, "Your logic means nothing! I'm going to Nolita! You're so pretty you don't need it! Stand on a corner and dance for money! Or just stand there for money and people will throw it at you!" Serena thinks about how sad it is that Blair hates herself so much, but how directed and driven and awesome it makes her, and if only somebody could make her feel that bad about herself... Like magic, Dan Humphrey appears.

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Gossip Girl




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