Gossip Girl
Bad News Blair

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The Devil Wears Waldorf

"Humphrey! Dan! Hey!" He crosses the street to her, smiling, and Serena cuts loose with some awesomely hysterical, freakish horse laughter. "OMG this is what I love about this city! You're always bumping into people!" He tells her he just got back from taking Jenny to their mom's house, and now he's bringing his dad a sandwich. Even Dan realizes that this is a boring story, so he...stares into space. She's like, "You know how eleven times in the last episode we made that weird 'talking or not talking' semi-joke about going on a date where nobody gets assaulted?" Before she can invite him to ask her out for the fourth time, Blair reappears and Dan puts on his martyr face. "That was disgusting! The DOH should shut them down! It's called Nolita, not Noshowers." Blair first smells, then sees, Dan: "Do I smell pork? And cheese? Okay, well, when you're done with your charity work, why don't you come find me? I'll be at Tory Burch looking at...ponchos?" Heh. If you ever choose ponchos over me, I don't care who I'm dating, you're in trouble deep. Blair runs off down the road to harass shop attendants.

Dan's point is valid: "Isn't that the girl that told the entire school -- and, oh, several colleges -- that you had a drug problem?" Has Dan ever been friends with a teenager? That's not even weekend drama, that's, like, something to do before the party. His threshold is really low. Serena's like, "Blair can be a little...Blair." She chuckles, as impressed with Blair's destructive capabilities as we all are, and explains that they're working it out. Starting today, hanging out for the first time. "Alone." Dan gets it and relinquishes her without much more pleading. She makes him promise to call her later so they can "do that thing you didn't ask me to do," and then as though to highlight what she's talking about, presents her admittedly amazing ass to him and does the slow-walk away in giant yellow boots. I swear I do not understand these two. They date when they don't date, they talk when they don't talk, they "unpromise" when they're promising each other stuff, they talk about sex by "not talking about sex"... It's like, I realize it's easier to be friends with Dan if you're not friends with Dan, you know I'm on board with that, but it seems kind of on-the-nose to bring that explicitly into the conversation. Lord knows Opposite Day is the only day of the year they would actually work as a couple.

Nate slobbers all over the Hobbit while Chuck seethes at the table next to them, crushing glasses with the force of his squeezing and generally shooting lasers and lizards and I don't know what out of his eyes. What would be awesome right here is if he wolfed out and you could have Hobbits v. Werewolves, which is like the eighth best imaginary battle of all time, right after Olsen Twins v. Ninjas. But instead he just cries into a perfumed handkerchief while Nate picks bugs out of the Hobbit's dreadlocks and eats them like caviar while he tells them at large about how amazingly freeing it is to be a trust-fund hippie and rebuild after Katrina and take videos of yourself smoking pot on Machu Picchu and meet really vaguely amazing people and have really vaguely amazing adventures and see really vaguely amazing things. Have you ever been to Austin, Texas? You have rubbed shoulders with them. Here's how you know if you're dealing with a Hobbit: ask them a question about what it was like, or what they did, or a single person they met. Go for detail. If they answer any question with "It was just amazing," stop asking questions, because you're being mean: they weren't really there, they're not really ever anywhere, they're empty. But they do bring you kick-ass presents from all over the world which really brighten up the place. I have a Ganesha collection that rivals that of actual Hindus, because I know when to keep my mouth shut and buy another round. Chuck's like, "You're the guy who gave us our first joint, snuck us into our first club...you invented the Lost Weekend!" Nate and the Hobbit are like, "But it's so much more meaningful to do drugs and have anonymous sex on other continents!" Chuck points out the irony of how the Hobbit is managing to be both Nolita and Noshowers and still talking about the Zen of doing nothing with your life or having possessions, then snaps a couple of hos up to the table. "This party is about excess, not exposition!" I wish that was the logline for this show, but it would be a lie. Chuck saunters off with the two girls, like Nate's going to get twice as jealous, and then climbs back into the Hobbit's lap, where he is invited to some stupid high-stakes poker game back at the Shire. Or in this case Queens.

Eleanor is bashing models for the Bendel's launch -- "This one missed her cue at the Chloe show because she was throwing up a pear" -- and her assistant, the awesome and beautiful Laurel (one of the many minority counselors at Harbor) reminds her that she's still heading too up-market, and tells her to think more like American Apparel. Which Eleanor hates, of course. "If this person is supposed to represent Waldorf Designs, you have to find me someone...worthy of the clothes. Someone like me." They look over at Blair, and Eleanor thinks. "Someone like...my daughter." Blair rolls her eyes, but Serena's on it. So is Laurel. "Well, why not her? You want your line to represent the Waldorf lifestyle. Who better to represent you than one of your own family?" Laurel can roll with the punches, I love her. Eleanor muses that B was her "first dress form," which tells you eeeeeeeverything you need to know, and S shoves her toward them. "She'd love to!" Everybody agrees to it so fast, B's head spins. "Eleanor Waldorf, meet the new face of Waldorf for Bendel's." B practically does a back flip, and her beautiful smile is blinding. Even Gossip Girl's like, "How awesome for her! And S helped!" So immediately everybody, even people who'd never see the show, were like, "And Serena is going to fuck it up somehow, of course." But of course!

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