Gossip Girl
Bad News Blair

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The Devil Wears Waldorf

Serena, B, and the Rainbitch Coalition lounge around upstairs at the Waldorf's house, where Serena is maxing out on excitement about Eleanor's..."clothes"...and Blair's trying desperately to protest and not get her hopes up. It's heartbreaking and nothing has even happened. Kati and Iz catfight in the seashore susurrus that is their contribution to the show, and Blair tries to show them how it's done, and it's actually cute and unforced for once, and finally Serena jumps up and she's all, "You're missing the key! Look, look, look. You gotta put the hand on the hip and pop. That's how you gotta do it!" This last line said in freakishly perfect Tyra diction. We rewound it like a dozen times. It's so weird, it's like when Xtina did Kim Cattrall on SNL that time and it was spooky like The Ring. The other girls are adorable while S's phone rings ("Pop." "Pop." "Pop.") but just as she's answering, Blair whisks the phone out of her hands.

"Who dares interrupt the van der Woodsen as she teaches? I said, who?" They wrestle over the phone as Blair tells Dan the number is no longer in service, and tells Serena she's doing her a favor. I'll say. He gets more and more put-upon: "Look, I can hear you. Can I just please talk to Serena?" She tosses it over: "Apparently you can, Cabbage Patch." Serena giggles and apologizes, unaware that, as usual, Dan's velvet hammer of judgment is about to come down on her life. "I'm so, so sorry about that." "And I'm so, so ready to hang up." And I'm so, so about to punch you in the box. I mean, wow. You know what happens if you say that shit to me? My phone forgets your number. This kid is unbelievable. Serena, what are you doing? "Blair was just playing. You have my full attention, I promise." He asks her to "not talk" to him at a movie later that night. Blair starts stabbing her dolls and purging right then and there.

Some totally cute lady who looks a bit like a dark-haired gamine version of Lily van der Woodsen is staring at what would appear to be a child's primary-color Spin Art rendition of a Rorschach blot. We run into another iteration of the Black Tie/Black Eye problem, where the director apparently didn't realize that dialogue and image, in this business we call show, should coincide in some manner, because what they're saying is how "complicated" and "difficult" and "enigmatic" it is; and then we head into the Early Faulkner iteration of the same issue, where this lady compares the stupid painting to "early Bacon" and "Schnabel." Bring your A game, people. Like it's not hard enough selling this show as glamorous when it's on the CW, you gotta fuck up simple stuff like black tie and art collecting? Rufus, who is looking delectable, flirts with the lady all awkward, and she tells him she's a buyer for a private collector, but that she didn't think she'd find "a piece like this" in Brooklyn. Perhaps at the Ostroff Center or other in-patient facility, but certainly not at a successful gallery. He acts all mysterious about the artist, so I'm guessing it's the ex, and she snaps a picture, promising to come back later. Luckily, she doesn't make him unpromise to "stay closed" so they can "not make a transaction" and he can "not take her money," or anything stupid like that.

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Gossip Girl

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