Previously: Nate met a mysterious old woman who fucked him on the floor in a great big California mansion, and naturally he assumed he'd be compensated. Chuck has devised the most ludicrous plot-to-be-fascinating yet, wiping out Quileute style on "our LA roadways" and then caressing his bruises as though they were the Velveteen Rabbit, and it was kind of amazing but not as amazing as it's about to get. Ivy has a wonderful boyfriend and is trying to become a working actress in LA, but maybe doesn't have the stuff for it.
Previous to that she pretended to be named Cousin Charlie, because Aunt Carol is a goddamn loon. While Serena was discovering her in a local patisserie, Dan was discovering that Vanessa had once again conspired to make his dreams and nightmares come true. And Blair? Still stuck in Weddingville, population Crazy, but a wise handmaiden of the Orient has delivered one big Annunciation upside her head: Girlfriend's at six weeks. Too bad, I'd already picked out her roller-derby name.
"Young Folks (King Jeremy Don't Like Mondays Remix)" whistles and warbles in its catchy way over a brand new day. I love this song. It makes me wonder how many other Peter Bjorn & John songs could be turned into school shootings just by moving some whistles around and changing a few words. GG be talking mad medicine, while Blair's pretending to care about Dorota's pregnancy as a way of getting information about her own. You know that show I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant? I've never seen it, but I think it's about the opposite of whatever Blair's doing right now. Turns out Dorota doesn't even know about Blair's little secret, but she's about to...
Blair: "Dorota, your womb is of the utmost importance. If things get rough, I plan on renting it out."
Dorota: "[Charming broken English.]"
Blair: "Thanks for asking. Louis's sister Beatrice is picking Louis up in their jet at noon, to take him back to Monaco to celebrate the Feast of the Assumption."
I love the Assumption. I love how Anne and Mary brought back the Old Testament tradition of being so awesome that God's like, "Screw the velvet rope, you're coming in VIP." What a useless prize! If I heard I was going to be Assumpting, I would drive a motorcycle off a cliff like Chuck Bass, all Come at me, bro!
Doctor: "I am reputable."
Blair: "Then I have some questions for you about my maidservant's morning sickness. Having never had it, and certainly not because I'm having it now."
Doctor: "As a doctor on the Upper East Side, I am familiar with the burden of a servant's illnesses, and will happily discuss your questions as though Dorota is a Labrador Retriever."
Dorota (Is marginally more intelligent than a Labrador Retriever, making this comparison unfair and more than a little classist.)
Blair, verbatim: "And what about breast sensitivity? ...You see, she practically screams when anyone touches them. I can hear her all the way from Queens!"