Gossip Girl, how you doing?

"They say blood is thicker than water. But it's also a lot harder to clean up when it spills!"

Sure, sure. Of course. Why not say something like that?

RESCUED BY THE PROLIX AFTER LANDING ON HER COCCYX

Dan: "If I'd known any better, I'd think you're starting to like Brooklyn."
Blair: "It isn't Brooklyn I'm here for. You're the only person I can have a furtive, emotionally loaded conversation with right now. How's Chuck?"
Dan: "Uh, he's... Okay. Sort of. Long Freudian story."
(No mention of the tickles. Not one single reference to Tickle Party 2011.)
Dan: "How are you?"
Blair: "Pregnant. ...I had hoped denial would last longer as a coping mechanism, but breast tenderness and morning sickness made that impossible."
Dan: "Out here in the boondocks we have this thing called a woman's right to choose."
Blair: "I guess so. But like, I love Louis, and sex with Chuck at that child's Bar Mitzvah was a loving act, so this is a kid that came from love, so I'm going to keep it either way."
Dan: "I'm so sure. Also, obviously this baby is Chuck's."
Blair: "I only slept with him once, I slept with Louis a hundred times. He may be mild-mannered, but he's surprisingly virile. So by the sheer law of probability, it must be his. Haven't you read The Power of Positive Thinking? Put your giant intellect aside and just focus with me on wish fulfillment."

Dan does no such thing. Does the opposite of that. Crawls right up her rectum with this Vanessa Abrams hectoring bullshit about her choices and her life and "Even Blair Waldorf cannot bend DNA to her will" and this shit, which I get that he's the tough-talking friend she can rely on that loves her and all that, but fucking shut up right now, Humphrey. Time and place. We are not Penelope Trunk. We have no excuses.

Blair: "I am about to marry a fabulous man... Who happens to be a prince. I can't be this close to having all my dreams come true only to have them yanked away by one transgression at a stranger's Bar Mitzvah."
Dan: "Maybe not, but we're on a TV show. So I'm going to make it my mission to bug you and bug you and bug you to get a paternity test. Okay? Does that sound annoying or gross at all? Because I have this Humphrey streak in me."
Blair: "Your behavior would be controlling and systematically abusive, if it weren't you."
Dan: "But it is me, so feminism doesn't exist right now. Only when other shippers are getting serviced does misogyny enter this picture. Or if you decided to sell yourself for a hotel, maybe."