Do you understand that I still regularly receive letters from these sad lonely asshole girls that are pissed off because I don't like Dan Humphrey -- a fictional character in a story -- enough? That I have a "clear agenda" and that I don't understand la psychologie des femmes or whatever and that I'm somehow using dark wizard powers to destroy goodness or change the storyline around from imaginary space-case cuckoo world to the show we're actually watching? Do you know what that fucking does to a person? To a person's sense of humanity, and where we're at as a culture?

Blair: "And what if I lose everything?"
Dan: "You'll still have me."

Aww. Those two. I tell you what. GG! Take us home, ya crackhead. "Maybe it's not blood bonds that make us a family. Perhaps it's the people who know our secrets and love us anyway, so we can finally be ourselves."

Next week: Dan finally beats some sense into Blair, and she loves it.

JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.