So Chuck's been paying hot poor people to beat him up. Ambush him and beat him up with their great big poor-people muscles. That's how that's going. Dan keeps walking in on these little scenes and finally he steps to Nate like "Trick, best treat your man right." So Nate stops baking -- literally, he was baking pot brownies for Chuck, possibly in a little apron, because this show keeps finding new ways to be gay -- long enough to call the doctor. It was really cute, how worried he was once Dan explained to him that he should be worried. They make such a good pair of domestic partners, the three of them.

Oh, and get this. Naturally, Chuck Bass is suffering from some kind of drama queen psychological syndrome where he can't feel feelings anymore, because this show also keeps finding new ways to be WTF.

Louis's sister Beatrice is some bullshit. I don't even want to talk about her. That thing that Zooey Deschanel does to people, that's what Louis's sister Beatrice does to me. So the prince and princess French at each other and it's so disgusting, just absolutely unbearable, and there's a sexy priest*, and somehow Blair ends up telling Dan that she's pregnant and then inviting some homeless people to the Monegasque Feast of Assumption. There is much lovely Blair-and-Dan time, if you're into that sort of thing. Which you are.

*Oh, and Beatrice is fucking the sexy priest. That was like the one cool thing she did. Finding a bra would have been another one, but she fucked that up too.

Diana Payne shows up in NYC and fucks Nate in a vestibule and then offers him a job. As what? Do any of these people actually have job titles or things you can put on your resume? It's like Eli Gold, or K Street, like that thing where your job is that you do things and people say, "That dude is really good at ... things." But Nate and Serena are not lobbyists or strategists, they're just... Hot. They just have hotness and it qualifies them for any old thing. Vestibule-polisher. Rough trade S&M enthusiast. Pot brownie-maker. Or whatever it is that Serena does. Boob-haver. Pants-scorner. Cousin-kidnapper.

Yes, and Ivy's awesome boyfriend is named Max, as it turns out. She gets roped -- through some complicated overbearing Serena behavior -- into leaving him and going to live with Serena so she can pretend to be Cousin Charlie some more. Then the whole LA storyline abruptly ends for no real reason, with Serena dragging Ivy back to the burgeoning UES film. Ludicrous indeed -- as though anybody would ever leave Brian J. Smith, for any reason -- but at least allows for the possibility that Ivy will fuck everything and everybody up somehow. Maybe Max will come to NY? Please don't let this be the last of Max. We love Max. We want more Max. And we want Ivy to get shithouse crazy. We still don't actually know what's wrong with her on the inside, as you recall. But there's always something.

Next week: Paternity test, Serena and Ivy return home, and Blair throws Daniel Humphrey through the air like a ragdoll. A curly-haired moppet of a ragdoll, with magnificent cheekbones and pecs.