Why is everybody in this bathroom listening to Blair Waldorf vomit?
Dan, verbatim: "Why would you worry about her being suspicious if you weren't bulimic? Blair, this isn't a joke. We are not leaving this room until you agree to get help."
Insufferable. Just insupportably insufferable.
Blair, verbatim: "I don't need help. I'm not bulimic. I'm pregnant!"
Gossip Girl: "While one mother's life leads her to heaven, another's is going straight to hell in a Moses basket!"
That's more like it. That's the loony-tunes Gossip Girl we know and love. I knew you couldn't hold your shit together for the entire episode. Moses basket! Like that's a thing! A thing people say! And can I just take a moment and remind you of this, it's been a while but I still think about it every day: "Poor little orphan Jenny looks like she needs a Daddy Warbucks but Daddy Warbucks don't grow on trees at least on a tree that grows in Brooklyn." I bet Gwyneth keeps Moses in a Moses basket. And Apple in an Apple basket. And Coldplay in an Easter basket, I guess. I don't know how you store a Coldplay, to be honest.
Blair: "Yes, I fucked your brother. We might be having a devil baby. It may have a very high forehead and a penchant for rapine."
Beatrice: "You have un fetus in your le oven? That's not bulimia in the slightest."
Louis: "What's everybody standing around in the bathroom for? Literally everybody in this episode?"
Beatrice, braless: "We were just talking about the homeless. Just kinda riffing."
So then, for no reason, they invite the homeless in to share their Feast of Assumption, and Beatrice keeps shoving things in their mouths, but they don't mind, because they're neither pregnant nor bulimic, just hungry, because they are homeless.
Spotted: Chuck, on the wrong side of town. Looks like Bassman doesn't have enough of a dark side. He has to take a walk on one, too...
Get it? Bassman? The dark fishy knight? Get it? Do ya? Um, anyway, Blair is pregnant and Dan is her best friend-o again somehow and she's going to be showing by the time they get married and really, Blair is just making no sense at all right now. Do they not have Planned Parenthood on the East Coast? Why is any of this happening?
DOING THE UNSTICKS