Ivy: "I didn't want to use that checkbook, because of how it's fraud on top of identity theft."
Serena: "Don't be silly! This is all your mother's fault somehow."
Serena: "Uh, always."
Ivy: "Okay, well thanks for getting us this apartment and dressing me up like a doll and everything, even though I asked you about twenty times not to."
Serena: "That's not all. I've also gone around Aunt Carol to CeCe, who hates your mother more than any of us do, and she's granted you -- Charlie, whom you are not -- access to your trust fund."
Ivy: "Which I already had."
Serena: "Which you already had."
Ivy: "And which doesn't solve the main problem, which is that I am still not actually Cousin Peepers and really have no reason to be involved in your life whatsoever."
Serena: "You can show your gratitude by packing! I will be back to kidnap you after a meeting about my job."
MONEY SHOTS & MEDICS
Dan: "Wait, you're getting beat up again, on this same corner again, by different sexy toughs?"
Chuck: "Getting beat up by sexy toughs is so last year. The new thing is Dan Humphrey walking in on you getting beat up by sexy toughs."
Tough, literally: "Sorry. Mr. Bass said nothing should stop us except his safe word."
This makes sense like fan-fiction makes sense. "Why would Snape even have that up his ass in the first place, much less do this where Hermione would walk in on it?" Also:
Chuck, verbatim: "Though this be madness, yet there is some method in't."
First of all, give me a fucking break. Come on.
But second of all, doesn't that make Dan Polonius? And isn't that sort of brilliant?
Chuck, who is on a goddamn roll: "I wasn't trying to kill myself. I was hoping it would hurt. ['To dull the pain of losing Blair?'] That's what you don't understand. I feel nothing when I see her and Louis. Or when I jump off a building. Or when I crash a motorcycle. Even you don't irritate me."
Dan: "Well, having these guys beat you up is not the way to try to feel something. You could have died!"
Chuck: "Is being dead that much worse than being ... nothing?"
Chuck! You are so fucking ridiculous! That's amazing. If you had a friend like Chuck, okay, who was willing to take off from his busy schedule of raping and domestic violence so that he could pay sexy street toughs to beat him up, while quoting Hamlet, and then said some shit like that immediately afterward, what would you do? I'm honestly asking. I have no idea what I would do. None. Probably I would make out with him. But maybe like in a mean way?