So like, what? Why is this happening? Why did Ivy let Serena talk her into living with her under the assumed identity of a very real person that is related to Serena? When did this change of heart occur. "I was going to get the fuck out of Dodge, but then I changed my mind and thought, what better way of keeping my deception a secret than to live with Serena in a big house."
Meanwhile Gossip Girl's got something pithy to say: "How well do any of us really know each other? Even families have their secrets."
Beatrice: "I thought bulimia was the key to dethroning Louis! But no."
Sexy Priest: "What about the pregnancy outside of marriage?"
Beatrice: "No, apparently that's fine in this storyline on this show that makes zero sense."
Sexy Priest: "Well, would you like to fuck in the back of this limo?"
Twist! They are an evil team of doing it-ers! Finally, something to like about Beatrice! Take the clothes off of the priest. No wait, leave them on. No wait, this is weird. Never mind. Go on about your business.
Serena: "So remember how we're living together in California?"
Ivy: "Yeah, I guess. I guess that happened."
Serena: "Well it turns out that my pretend job is going back to New York! So suck on that!"
Ivy: "That's one way to make me a series regular. A weird awkward nonsensical way, I mean it doesn't even make basic sense, but fuck it. Let's move to New York together."
Serena: "Let's refer to Max as your crazy roommate a couple more times, so that when he follows us to New York we can have him thrown in the Ostroff and you can be like Everything is spiraling out of control because of my lies! Deal?"
Gossip Girl, how you doing?
"They say blood is thicker than water. But it's also a lot harder to clean up when it spills!"
Sure, sure. Of course. Why not say something like that?
RESCUED BY THE PROLIX AFTER LANDING ON HER COCCYX
Dan: "If I'd known any better, I'd think you're starting to like Brooklyn."
Blair: "It isn't Brooklyn I'm here for. You're the only person I can have a furtive, emotionally loaded conversation with right now. How's Chuck?"
Dan: "Uh, he's... Okay. Sort of. Long Freudian story."
(No mention of the tickles. Not one single reference to Tickle Party 2011.)
Dan: "How are you?"
Blair: "Pregnant. ...I had hoped denial would last longer as a coping mechanism, but breast tenderness and morning sickness made that impossible."
Dan: "Out here in the boondocks we have this thing called a woman's right to choose."
Blair: "I guess so. But like, I love Louis, and sex with Chuck at that child's Bar Mitzvah was a loving act, so this is a kid that came from love, so I'm going to keep it either way."
Dan: "I'm so sure. Also, obviously this baby is Chuck's."
Blair: "I only slept with him once, I slept with Louis a hundred times. He may be mild-mannered, but he's surprisingly virile. So by the sheer law of probability, it must be his. Haven't you read The Power of Positive Thinking? Put your giant intellect aside and just focus with me on wish fulfillment."