Dan does no such thing. Does the opposite of that. Crawls right up her rectum with this Vanessa Abrams hectoring bullshit about her choices and her life and "Even Blair Waldorf cannot bend DNA to her will" and this shit, which I get that he's the tough-talking friend she can rely on that loves her and all that, but fucking shut up right now, Humphrey. Time and place. We are not Penelope Trunk. We have no excuses.
Blair: "I am about to marry a fabulous man... Who happens to be a prince. I can't be this close to having all my dreams come true only to have them yanked away by one transgression at a stranger's Bar Mitzvah."
Dan: "Maybe not, but we're on a TV show. So I'm going to make it my mission to bug you and bug you and bug you to get a paternity test. Okay? Does that sound annoying or gross at all? Because I have this Humphrey streak in me."
Blair: "Your behavior would be controlling and systematically abusive, if it weren't you."
Dan: "But it is me, so feminism doesn't exist right now. Only when other shippers are getting serviced does misogyny enter this picture. Or if you decided to sell yourself for a hotel, maybe."
Do you understand that I still regularly receive letters from these sad lonely asshole girls that are pissed off because I don't like Dan Humphrey -- a fictional character in a story -- enough? That I have a "clear agenda" and that I don't understand la psychologie des femmes or whatever and that I'm somehow using dark wizard powers to destroy goodness or change the storyline around from imaginary space-case cuckoo world to the show we're actually watching? Do you know what that fucking does to a person? To a person's sense of humanity, and where we're at as a culture?
Blair: "And what if I lose everything?"
Dan: "You'll still have me."
Aww. Those two. I tell you what. GG! Take us home, ya crackhead. "Maybe it's not blood bonds that make us a family. Perhaps it's the people who know our secrets and love us anyway, so we can finally be ourselves."
Next week: Dan finally beats some sense into Blair, and she loves it.
JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.