Rufus: "We scheduled DUMBO father-son time, because I am so terribly busy in Manhattan, and now you won't leave that computer alone. It makes me feel lost and alone, now that I'm down two kids and my wife's corpse is upstairs ordering shrouds and cerements from gilt.com."
Dan: "Sorry, Rufus, but I'm afraid I don't like you very much. You're sort of a sniveler. And anyway, I have to figure out who is publishing my book so I can make them not."
Rufus: "Wasn't Jay McInerney any help?"
Dan: "He just gets drunk and tries to tell me what it was like in college. It's worse than being here with you."
Dan, with a pretty sexy voice today: "My dad is here and he won't shut the fuck up."
Serena: "Parents, man. Don't you hate it when they shove their agendas down your throat all the time? Like say if you were an actress pretending to be a cousin for no real reason, and some giant blonde somebody tried to kidnap you and make you live in a gorgeous beachfront mansion. Irksome."
Dan: "...Right. So anyway, because you are a cat-burglar and former member of Scotland Yard, I wondered if you could hack some computer things for me."
Serena: "It's true, I am very competent at things. Such as that. But aren't you best friends with Blair? Aren't we fighting over you or some shit?"
Dan: "No, Blair hates me. Because I did horrible things again. Anyway, remember Vanessa Abrams?"
Serena: "Sort of. Didn't she attack me with a femur once? And dressed all of her friends up like me so that they could drug me and put me into white slavery? Or maybe that was somebody else."
Dan: "What this show did to that girl, I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But get this, I'm still going to lie to you about it. Can you help me help Vanessa with a bounced check?"
I love how the show is still fucking her. I love that so much.
Serena: "All my bank-hacking needs are met by Charles Bass. Last time, he sexually assaulted four window tellers at our local bank branch. Got my annual rate up 4 percent. Have you tried that? Have you met my brother Chuck, ever? Are you guys BFFs maybe?"
Dan: "You've been a great help. So, are you really going to live in LA all season?"
Serena: "Indubitably. Our show's budget can totally handle that. Plus, Cousin Peepers is here!"
Dan, verbatim: "Charlie? As in Call Me Serena Cousin Charlie?"
Serena: "She's a gas, isn't she? Yeah, we're going to brunch even though California is three hours behind New York, and then I will grill her, and then I will attempt to kidnap her for no reason other than the plot."
Dan: "Just make sure she's back on her meds. And say hi!"