The first thing Dan wants to hear during his daily morning check-in with Nate is about the whores he is fucking from Chuck's Little Black Book. Nate, being a reasonable chap, is working his way through the book alphabetically, and I think has hit the porn section. This is gross. Nate somehow is still not gross even though this is about how gross Nate is. "I'm having tons of sex, I never have to eat dinner alone, and best of all I don't have to talk about anything." As a former prostitute himself I guess his baseline is different but I'm surprised Dan is so into this. Well, he is a champion hater of women, so there's that. Anyway, good morning, Nate is exhausted from all the hookers, but Dan is exhausted from a big secret that is a baby.

In Paris, where it is always the exact same time of day as in Manhattan, Serena tries to explain the total irrelevance of her "decision" between Nate and Dan. Blair tries desperately to make this conversation interesting, like your friends always do when they have nothing romantic going on, and S is like, "When I fall asleep, I dream about guys named Louboutin and Laurent. Home doesn't exist until we're there." My emph, because damn if you never saw this show before, now you know Serena van der Woodsen.

The hotel people drop off a course catalog for Serena, which Blair assumes is for Brown, because after all they're going back to school in a week so probably it's time for S to pick her classes, but really it's for Columbia, which makes even less sense in the context of time but makes a lot of sense as far as whatever made-up fighting will happen in this episode. Blair wavered and finally decided to transfer to Columbia at some equally random time in the school year, and Nate "attends" Columbia in a way, but all that will matter is that Blair wants everything and Serena gets everything.

"As much as I'm gonna miss you when you're in Providence, having separate lives ensures no competition, which means no high school pettiness," she says, leaving out the part where the pettiness is all hers and the competition is also all her and pretty much what she's saying is, "Anything you can do to keep me from being horrible will really cut down on me being horrible." But of course Serena is a huge liar all the time because she doesn't like being yelled at, so she's like, "Well, I am certainly not going to Columbia, if that's what you're thinking!"