Serena tries to explain to Blair that Columbia isn't hers as a concept, which is very true actually. She only just thought of going to Columbia like in the finale. Plus, apparently it was all Dr. vdDubs that talked her into it, because after all that's where he went to med school (apparently), and whatever, she wants to stay in the City and not go to Providence. Mostly because she wants to be with Blair.
Secondarily because she wants to overshadow and continually ruin Blair's life, is what B hears, but it's making less and less sense. What does make sense is Blair's actual issue, which she's not verbalizing very well but basically comes down to the entire season last year, where she fucked up at NYU and then spend the rest of the season in bed with Chuck pretending to be his wife and succumbing to depression: "I need a chance to succeed on my own. I want to be myself, where I belong." Instead of validating this, Serena decides to compare notes: Fell for married Tripp, major car accident, often homeless, the whole vdDubs thing. When you say it like that, it almost sounds like last season wasn't totally boring. Then Serena van der Woodsen of all people goes, "Blair, I want to make you happy. I really do. But college is too big of a deal." She really has gone through a sea change, has she not? College: A big of a deal.
"But right now, there are two very handsome Frenchmen waiting to take us to the front of the line at Le Baron. Louis really likes you." Blair says that, in fact, she will recapitulate Déjeuner sur l'Herbe by dining alone with him and Jean Michel, she'll be the girl that looks right out at you from the canvas, drinking casually with two men, and dumb old Serena can just fall in the fountain like in the painting. Serena points out that she moves way too slow and gracefully to fall in the fountain, so Blair pushes her in.
(Yes, Easy A is really good. Dan is good in it. Emma Stone is GREAT in it. It's not quite Mean Girls, but well above 10 Things or Jawbreaker, both of which are quite good but only as good as they're trying to be. Right around Saved level, I think, which is a very good place to be. And while we're talking about this stuff, Ashley Tisdale more than makes up for Aly Michalka in Hellcats but I don't know how long that can last.)
So they call some doctor who confirms the results and whatever, Rufus still isn't buying it. Dan says that the dates line up, as if that means anything, and reminds Rufus of how he acted that time Serena bought the pregnancy test for Blair, and Rufus tries to give him some lame fatherhood speech that barely even applies to the situation. "As a father, I like to butter my toast so that the butter is on the upwards side of the bread. You might not understand that now, but somebody you will." Dan signs the birth certificate, and the Humphrey Men do a Humphrey Man-Hug, and Georgina makes some inscrutable face.