"I wanna hear all about your day. The food, the shopping, and the boys on Vespas... But first, I wanted to know if you or Blair have heard from Charles." Serena says that Lily has just given herself the update because her daughter is reliably rigorous in her schedule of drinking and doing it, and that there's nothing on the Chuck front either, which concludes their business. "Any normal summer, he's drunk on some island where polygamy's legal. Given everything that happened, it makes sense he's gone rogue." That's her explanation. She changes the subject to Columbia, and how Blair is going to shit a brique.
Vanessa babbles at Dan and tries to find out his secret while also bitching about how he left her for imaginary Serena but then didn't go to France with her and yet made the healthy lifestyle choice of avoiding Vanessa all summer anyway. She looks inside the house and there's laundry everywhere due to harried parenting, and hilariously guesses that Dan's secret is that he has become a hoarder. He mumbles and stutters and does all of the Penn Badgley things he can get his hands on, and finally Vanessa realizes there is a lady present and excuses herself.
But that's no lady, it's Georgina Sparks! Georgina Sparks has been keeping Dan hostage in this house, because she is a demon! To eat of his flesh! To force his sideburns into ever-stranger shapes! There is no end or limit to her evil! Dan swears they are not lovers and Vanessa goes, "Then what other possible reason could there be, in the God I Don't Believe In's universe, for Georgina Sparks to be leaving lingerie around your house?" Georgina reaches between the couch cushions and produces the baby Milo like he's the evil Simba, and all the evil awful hateful creatures of Brooklyn come to pay tribute. Witches and kronks and bridge trolls and things. It takes a while, because: Brooklyn. Kenley Collins shows up uninvited and says that Milo will prick his finger on a spinning wheel at some point in the future, probably at Glasslands.
Nate's whore won't get off the phone at Norma's so he just sort of feels awkward and sits down across the shared banquette from Katie Cassidy, playing a character named Juliet who is right this second reading House Of Mirth, which is about a lady who pretends to be rich but isn't really rich and eventually ends up dead. Basically Jenny's story, only the lady's named Lily Bart, which was always funny. Juliet talks smack about Nate's latest and gets him to admit in about three moves that she is a hooker, which would get you bonus points if it wasn't Nate Archibald. Sensitive about his choice of dining location he goes, "That Perkins hostess slept with Tiger Woods for over a year, and all he got her was a chicken wrap!"