Dan's praying none of them are related, and Jenny points out that Eric's hair is naturally dark brown, "kind of Rufus-like," but before anybody can ask why, then, a fourteen-year-old boy who is a member of neither a boy band nor the touring company of Love! Valor! Compassion! requires such intense highlights, Serena enters, freaking Dan out with Blair's presence. "Explanation to follow, but first, what's going on with our parents?" Jenny gets her up to speed on the parental dating, and Dan explains they're not related -- "Ignore my roots," Eric helpfully suggests -- and Blair points out that, porny Brady Bunch effect or no, Dan and Jenny totally have a garage door in the middle of their room. She then notices Cedric the Cabbage Patch Kid in the corner, and says hello. Dan tries to smother himself with a pillow, and Serena probes deep enough to hear about how their parents totally had sex. "She was a groupie, and he was Almost Famous." Blair realizes that this makes her the product of the healthiest family in attendance, or on this show, and then Serena and Dan shepherd the group out through the fire escape to go get some food untainted by incest.
Alison is trying to suggest that Rufus's barely-there "emotional affair" is equal to or greater than her total whoring it up in Hudson after abandoning her family, and Lily calls bullshit: "Oh please, nobody's buying that. Emotional affairs are necessary to keep a marriage alive." Alison scores, though, by pointing out that Lily has been divorced several times, and Rufus stupidly goes to the "this is not about Lily" place, which seems gallant until you realize that it opens the door to the obvious parry that it shouldn't ever be about Lily, to the point where they are grounded from each other. Lily wonders if Alison is insane in addition to being pointy and a bitch, and Alison is like, "Seriously. I am a big fuck-up, I own that. But the problem is still that you and Lily are messy, and times three that is too much messy, and you have to get over her." Man, if this were Nip/Tuck she already would have slept with Lily twice in the time it took these people to get all kindergarten with each other. (Best season ever, BTW.) Alison hands him an ultimatum, and Lily is totally grossed out by even one second of his silence. Lily, forget him. Marry me!