Gossip Girl
Blair Waldorf Must Pie!

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 4 USERS: A-
YOU GRADE IT
Felt Up & Fingerprinted

Dan and Jenny wow about how the song and the horse and the perfume are all the same thing, and Alison says, deathly quiet, "I'm a fool." Rufus assures her she isn't, and everybody goes silent. "Um, raise your hand if you're over 30 and acting really weird right now," Dan finally says. Good old Dan. Lily smiles sweetly and assures Alison that she never told Rufus about her Rosewood, which is the best you could do under these circumstances, but is also an alarm call to the progeny, because why on earth would Lily tell Rufus, a man she met an hour or two ago, about her horse? And how could he have written a song about it? Given this show's tenuous relationship to time and space, I guess they could be forgiven for thinking that's somehow possible, but these are sharp kids. They quickly deduce that Lily and Rufus know each other, and that this bothers Alison, and then it's just a hop to exactly how Lily and Rufus know each other, and the guilty faces of their parents fill in the sexy blanks, and Alison leaves for a nice long bony walk, and Dan follows behind her, and Eric and Jenny -- hoping they're not brother and sister -- run away and hide elsewhere in the loft, and Lily and Rufus are all alone, and Lily cracks her fifth bottle of red. And in all these different places, there are van der Woodsens and Humphreys this close to barfing, but not in the awful way. Barfing in the funny, metaphorical way.

Nate dragged Serena into the bathroom and started taking off her shoes; they grew up together. They've all known each other forever. Serena, tipsy, complained that Blair was not the boss of her, and Nate laughed ruefully: "Oh, are you new here? 'Cause Blair's the boss of all of us." He choked on the signature scent: "Seriously, Serena, you smell like the floor of a brewery!" She flopped around and protested, then goofily smelled her hair, and realized he was right: "Brewery floor with a hint of secondhand smoke?" And a pint of Old Spice, he chuckled, and turned on the water. "Blair's a bossy genius," they agreed. It's how she stays alive. Serena held up the spigot and spoke into it, interviewing him cutely: "So, what about you?" He continued to undress her, rolling his eyes: "What about me? I don't smell like an ashtray." She turned the water on him, laughing hysterically. "But you look like an ass tray!" He laughed for a second and then squeezed his eyes shut, playing the victim, and she let down her guard, worried she'd taken it too far somehow; he laughed and tackled her. They screamed and played in the water, like kids, and for a second they were. Blair answered the call of her paranoia, and for a second maybe it was going to fall apart, but then they both jumped on her, and she was a kid too. They were a family, covering for each other. Blair doesn't get to be a kid very often. Bad Serena's never quite so charming as when she's twirling, soaked through, shouting: "I got you both! I'm king of the world. I'm king of the world!" She always did, and she always will be. I am thankful that Blair got to play too.

Nate scrolls through his phone to Blair's entry, but he knows GG screwed him again. He goes down, past Chuck to Serena, and then flips it closed altogether without calling anybody at all.

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Gossip Girl

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