Gossip Girl
Blair Waldorf Must Pie!

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 4 USERS: A-
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Felt Up & Fingerprinted

The Captain was running around on his cell phone, out in the hall, a mile a minute about some Dutch company, and no matter how mad Anne got, he had to put forth the concept, the propaganda, that he took business very seriously. Right now he's lying on the floor, dead or dying, and that's just another kind of burlesque, but a year ago, he was yammering into the phone and they were yammering back, and Anne was getting very tired with the constant performance. "Forget the commission," she hissed. "I'll write you a check myself. Sit. We're just about to eat." And suddenly the Archibalds, the power and the money and where it comes from, and the corners he's painted himself into in the year since, make a lot more sense. No wonder he needs Nate to believe in him so badly; no matter he needs Nate to succeed so badly. It's kind of exhausting to be the Captain, especially when you're the captain of nothing and nobody, and your son is just as trapped as you are. Grossed out by this violation, by Anne saying the thing their family depends on not saying, he lost his appetite and took off.

"Your father and his headaches," Anne says, shaking her head. "Probably took the Vicodin and forgot, had some whiskey, and the next thing you know..." She's trapped too. I should really stop judging people. Nate gets upset with her scary ability to lie and believe herself lying again, and yells about how it was enough Vicodin for thirty headaches. "Mom, he's got a problem, and ignoring it almost killed him." She immediately goes to a scary place, facially and in terms of tone: "Oh, no. This is not my fault. You can blame whoever you want, just not me. All I'm guilty of is trying to make his life easier." Nate explains how, when you're a man, having things handed to you while pretending to still be a man produces such dizzying cognitive dissonance that sometimes you just stare blankly through entire episodes of this show, but she's not getting it. "My father set him up with his own firm. He gave us the house that we live in, the Hamptons, the boat. He's never had to earn a dime!" Nate's like, "And then he turned crazy, see?" Anne -- finally, finally -- turns on her real face, her real voice, clear eyes, more anger than fake sadness, and it's kind of awesome and very hilarious, considering the dude just attempted suicide: "All he had to do was sit behind a desk, put on a suit and not get arrested, and he couldn't manage to do that. You want me to give him more responsibility in the family?" Okay, I kind of love Anne Archibald. That was awesome. Nate admits he has no idea how they give the Captain an actual life to replace the fake life they've been giving him, but he does know they have to try something else, because he was dying all this time and nobody even knew it. A doctor approaches, and the Captain's awake, and before Anne can go in to see him, Nate stares her down and heads in without her.

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Gossip Girl

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