Alison is trying to suggest that Rufus's barely-there "emotional affair" is equal to or greater than her total whoring it up in Hudson after abandoning her family, and Lily calls bullshit: "Oh please, nobody's buying that. Emotional affairs are necessary to keep a marriage alive." Alison scores, though, by pointing out that Lily has been divorced several times, and Rufus stupidly goes to the "this is not about Lily" place, which seems gallant until you realize that it opens the door to the obvious parry that it shouldn't ever be about Lily, to the point where they are grounded from each other. Lily wonders if Alison is insane in addition to being pointy and a bitch, and Alison is like, "Seriously. I am a big fuck-up, I own that. But the problem is still that you and Lily are messy, and times three that is too much messy, and you have to get over her." Man, if this were Nip/Tuck she already would have slept with Lily twice in the time it took these people to get all kindergarten with each other. (Best season ever, BTW.) Alison hands him an ultimatum, and Lily is totally grossed out by even one second of his silence. Lily, forget him. Marry me!
Serena and the rest of them sit at some expensive French-fry parlor talking about how no wonder Lily was always up Serena's ass about her terrible behavior, because it turns out she was just mad at Serena for turning into her. And Dan is weirded out by the fact that Rufus has been giving him this great Serena advice (which he never follows correctly), when it turns out Rufus is also pretending that Serena is her mother. Blair pipes up with her bizarre opinion: "When you think about it, it makes total sense that your mom was a groupie. I mean, only a woman that had completely satisfied her sexual appetite in her youth would ever marry your stepdads." Everybody at the table, their hair stands on end. Lily comes walking up and orders a nonstop French-fry buffet, and the Humphreys and Waldorf catch a cab so that the van der Woodsens can deal with their shit. Blair kisses Serena sweetly, whispering that the sandwich Serena made her eat was delicious, and she's calling Dr. Sherman in the morning. Serena smiles so sweetly up at her you could die. After the extraneous children are gone, Lily takes a napkin and starts wiping down her chair, making this hilarious crazy grossed-out face when Serena asks if that's necessary. It's awesome, like Serena just asked her to eat a bug. Serena points out that, as a groupie, Lily must have only lately come to value hygiene. Lily instantly asks herself leave to level with the kids, and instantly gives it: "Please. Try spending nine hours with Jane's Addiction on the Ohio Turnpike. Then we'll talk about dirty." God. Sorry, Pamie, but just listening to Perry Ferrell's yowly little voice makes me want to take a shower. Serena laughs, impressed and pleased, and Lily sits down.
Dan and Little J hop out of the cab and say goodbye to Blair -- for some reason it made me really happy to hear Dan say, "See you later, Waldorf" -- and discuss how weird Thanksgiving was, and is, and always will be. Jenny surmises that maybe taking a leaf from the Unmentionable Bohemian and dragging their mother back to Brooklyn was a bad idea. They discuss how it's so weird to think that your parents had lives before you existed, because self-obsession is the prerogative of the young, which is why teen dramas. They wonder if Lily's okay, and what happened while they were gone -- and I would point out that those kids could have been abducted and sold to Gypsies at gunpoint while the adults were tossing around ultimatums and barbs without even an inkling that their kids had just scaled a building to get away from them, because self-obsession is not merely the prerogative of the young, which is why TV -- Alison and Rufus come running up with the old pigskin. God, that's so Humphrey. That's so Humphrey I can't stand it. "It's Thanksgiving! Our fake marriage is real! Nobody ate anything, now let's toss around a football! That's what Americans do, right? Let's do that! Later we can go to the farmer's market and drink some milk right from a cow's teat, or whatever else is dumb!"