Gossip Girl
Blair Waldorf Must Pie!

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 4 USERS: A-
Felt Up & Fingerprinted

B spills it all out: "I don't know what I was thinking! I mean, sleeping with him once, maybe you could understand, but twice?" Serena's disgusted and starts whisper-shouting even as Blair's hushing her. "What happened to no judging?" Serena shakes her head and tries to lower the stress level, without effect: "I'm not! But I thought you wanted to wait. I thought you wanted to make things special." Blair points out that Nate's virginity came and went in a not-so-special way, and he's still on GossipGirl shout, so isn't it kind of tacky for her Chuckly activities to earn her the slut card? Serena's brow furrows ever deeper: "Tell me you didn't sleep with Chuck for revenge." Blair then says the grossest thing anybody has ever said at any time: "Well, it wasn't because I like his natural musk." That phrase apparently does to me what the word "moist" does to most people. Gross me out to the infinite power. "And besides, nothing hurts more than sleeping with the best friend. Right, S?" Now fully in the tiger cage and face-to-face with Blair's continuing disgust with herself, Serena stands up. "Way to prove a point."

And it's that same thing as last time, where Blair is in a trap and can't back down, because she's Blair, so now she's just 100% committed to hurting Serena as much as it takes to shut her up, because if Serena's not down, then she really is disgusting. If you had sex with Chuck in the woods and Serena was like, "Whatever, it's cool," it wouldn't count, but instead Serena's managed to come up with like six ways it's gross and beneath Blair, so Serena's gotta go down. Blair's curls bounce all around: "Well, I learned from the master." Serena points out, still ruffled, "If you're sleeping with Chuck, I'd say the student's become the master." As in, a hundred Masters in Slutology from the Whore Academy. "Jealous you didn't get to sleep with him first? There had to be somebody left on the Upper East Side." Serena van der Woodsen is like whoa. If you've got a friend who's prone to self-harm and she's taking it this far in order to show how grossed out she is by herself, this behavior is what you call a red flag. Not even God could manage to chill her out about the Chuck thing, and she's slept with him again since then. Eleanor enters breezily, asking when Lily and Eric will arrive, and Serena regrets to inform her that the van der Woodsens will not be attending Thanksgiving chez Waldorf, on account of Blair has once again been possessed by the spirit of destruction. Blair concurs: "I uninvited them." Eleanor knows her daughter well enough not to engage when the adamantium's still a-snikt, and there's a powerful little standoff between the two girls. Just out of the frame, Blair gives a tight little wave goodbye. "Happy holidays, Eleanor," says Serena, awesomely not apologizing for once. Blair gives her bewildered (but not too bewildered) mother an elaborate shrug that really does manage to say it all.

Lily van der Woodsen leads her merry progeny down the road, acting crazy and poking at road stalls. "I don't know what you're complaining about. I'm just trying to provide my family with a home-cooked meal!" She's giddy and floofy and very Hot Mom at this point in time. Even looking at farmer's market pumpkins and chicken carcasses, you can tell this counts as shopping. Eric points out that Lily can't cook, and she's like, "Talk to your sister. She's the one that got us exiled from the Waldorfs!" They're all very good-natured about this turn of events, and I guess I can see the up side, because Blair is a lot to take on at any time at all. Lily's like, "Let's get constructive!" Eric points at a Peking duck, like in A Christmas Story, and Lily nearly high-fives him. Serena is not impressed with this idea, but Lily's expansive: "There's nothing wrong with having Chinese food on Thanksgiving! Jews have been doing it on Christmas since forever!" She's doing all of this so hilariously, I can't believe it. She has more Thanksgiving spirit than a hundred starving pilgrims on angel dust. She holds up a pumpkin like it's a shiny silver briefcase containing an unknown dollar amount: "This is festive, yes?"

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