Nate compliments his mother on their Thanksgiving, which is of course from some incredible restaurant I don't know the name of: "I had to improvise," she snits, "since we've been disinvited from the Waldorfs at the last minute." The Captain clears his throat, but she keeps going. Anne Archibald has had quite enough, thanks. "Just like I was asked to step down from the committee for the Snowflake Ball, and how I wasn't asked back to the Lincoln Center Foundation. I thought at least your father's lawyer might join us for dessert..." Nate begs her to stop it, pointing out that Li'l Miss Shoegaze was cool with denial until it threatened her philanthropy. The Captain warns him, and Anne continues complaining: "I forgot to call the bail bondsman, maybe he has nowhere to go." I cannot think of anything worse than eating Thanksgiving with a bail bondsman. No, tow truck drivers. I would rather eat with a bail bondsman than a tow truck driver. "Mom, no one is more mad than I am," Nate says quietly -- and word, for good reason -- "but this is not the right way." The Captain tells him not to stick up for him, and Anne stares at the floor, and they are all gripped by the horror of their family. Nate finally checks out and the Captain and Anne feel very guilty, as they should, because they are horrible people.
Humphreys: Alison, Jenny, and Rufus, all wondering where Dan is, all smiling in that weird Humphrey way when he shows up with not only Serena but also Eric...and Lily. Dan introduces her to his parents, and things get very bizarre. Lily straightens her back once again, and wishes everybody a happy Thanksgiving, and reminds herself that Dan will always fuck everything up and make it weird and awkward, no matter how limpid the puppy-dogs get, so it's her fault for even giving an inch, and one day he will pay. But for now, Rufus is going to pay, and before that, she is going to drink the shit out of some Rioja.
"Here It Goes Again" was playing, because nobody yet knew how Jenny was going to end up in a cast by Christmas trying to replicate those Stairmaster moves. Alison noticed that Dan was pieless, and he admitted that the pie was roadkill due to his heroic saving of a certain girl. And since the Humphreys were and are the kind of indigent and destitute poor people that live in a top-floor loft in DUMBO -- a hair's-breadth from homelessness, really -- he could not procure another, even by batting his eyelashes and cheekbones at the alarmed piemaker, and so the Humphreys had to go another Thanksgiving without pie. Alison put a brave face on it, calling him a "real-life hero," and Jenny pointed out that Dan has never seen a girl, much less saved one, but soon figured out that he was stalking the usual blonde he stalked at school. "A thing for blondes? You are your father's son," Alison laughed, shaking her lustrous blonde locks and giving everybody the shudders. "Not just any blonde. Apparently, I like the ones who get drunk on Thanksgiving and almost die." Alison pointed out that this was also his dad's MO, back in the day, but takes pains to point out that the dangerous and troubled blonde she's now brought up and discussed at length for no reason was a troubled blonde other than herself. Dan's solipsistic little mind was blown by the fact that his parents not only persisted in their existence when he went away or closed his eyes, but that they even discovered and had relationships that did not include him. He never recovered.