Gossip Girl
Blair Waldorf Must Pie!

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 4 USERS: A-
Felt Up & Fingerprinted

Lily, Alison, and Rufus do a little one-act play called, "This Is Very Awkward." It goes like this: "This is very awkward." "No, it isn't!" "I kind of feel like it is!" "Well, that's because you're being weird!" "You're being weird!" "Your blonde mom is being weird!" "Children, it is your blonde mom who is being weird!" "My name is Rufus Humphrey and I have no accountability!" "My name is Alison and I am unwelcome!" "My name is Lily van der Woodsen, and I am worth my weight in Humphreys! I will put our coats in Dan's room, even though I don't know where it is located, because I have never been here!" "I will snatch those bitches and put them in Dan's room, because I am his mother and I vaguely remember where his room is located!" "I have been a bad little rock star! All of the children in this room may or may not be my children! Get to work! Eric and Jenny, napkin duty! Serena and Dan, water glasses and candles! Blonde ladies of my acquaintance, now we are alone! Let's get weird!"

After the intermission, Lily does her damnedest to stop everything from being awful, welcoming Alison back to New York. Alison flips out all rabid on her about "Why would you even know where I was or that I came back? I will cut you with my scary bones!" Lily's like, "Um, Dan didn't say when he dragged me here? Obviously?" She hisses at Rufus about how she totally called for something like this very reason, and buries her head in her wine glass. Alison goes all "blessed be the peacemakers" about how "You know what? It's fine. It's fine. Let's just have a great time. This holiday's about sharing." Like she's the one whose ass just got jumped up. Although kind of it was, but at least Lily tried to be cool about it. Lily asks, off the "sharing" tip, that nobody "share" the details about how the three of them are a big old mess. "I haven't exactly told my kids about my past. Well...our past." Dan summons them all to the table and Rufus says off-handedly, "Grab the mashed?" Which nobody ever said except for a Humphrey, as far as I personally know. They both, of course, reach for it like it's his very own junk, and Lily relinquishes the carbs like always, snatching her wine and holding it like a baby. Rufus is like, "Happy Thanksgiving! Yay!"

Eleanor turns from Laurel, at a big table full of industry types, to her daughter, ordering her to eat. "Well, I was going to wait until after dinner, but I guess now is as good a time as any: Did you call Daddy and say that I didn't want to see him this Thanksgiving?" Eleanor calls this a ridiculous accusation, but you can tell it's not. "So you didn't tell him that I was so angry at him for leaving that I didn't even want to talk to him today?" She sighs and tells her mom that she had no right to uninvite Harold. "When are you gonna get it through your head? He left us." Blair corrects her pronoun: "He left you." Eleanor smiles that scary smile they share, and offers to discuss this later, when the guests are gone. "Right now you either eat, or you leave the table." Blair stands, and Eleanor offers her an early dessert, to change her mind. "Where is Daddy's pie? Hmm? I don't see his pumpkin pie..." Eleanor creepily breezes that she sent it down to the doorman, since there were so many delicious choices coming from the caterer. I like a lot of things about Eleanor, but this is not hard math: Blair has an emotionally dysfunctional relationship with food, and Blair has assigned this pie to her father's love no less than three times already, so by bumping first Harold and then his pie from the dinner, she's underscoring it all in a really sick way. This is the line, she's saying, and you're on my side of it, and I don't really care what goes down after you realize that.

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