Lonelyboy gets an email from a "lovelace2@anonymousurl.com," which domain you probably know better as noteventrying.com, and the email says that Dan needs to know something about Bart Bass, and who knows how this guy even knows about the supersecret exposé anyway, but whatever, it's time to go meet Deep Throat. Because what this story about sexually confused young men getting exploited by their elders needed was even more clandestine meetings with creepy old guys. With names like Deep Throat.

Dorota's got the roses back on the mantle for like the sixth time, and some dessert parfaits happening, and she tells Eleanor that she has "glow, Miss Eleanor, like Chinese lantern!" Dorota is weird inside, just like Serena van der Woodsen. I knew it. Blair immediately makes a list of all the shitty things about Cyrus, like the old "wrong fork" chestnut and the "slurps his soup" routine and whatever -- "He wears sport socks!" -- and finishes up with how he's short, and pushy, just like Blair, but also: "Nothing like Daddy." Because underneath the Roger Thornhill fantasy was a very specific, debonair reality that Blair needs to put together in order to fix everything for everybody for all time, and Cyrus is fucking everything up. Last Christmas, she figured out that Roman wasn't the threat, so now she's trying to replace Harold, and nobody will cooperate, and that's so sad because without being able to scare or dick people into cooperating, she's nothing. Invisible.

Eleanor's like, "Yeah, he's nothing like your father, like for example he doesn't kiss dudes," and I guess sport socks come with that territory. I wouldn't know. Eleanor asks her to come shopping with her for the Cyndi date, characteristically a million miles from where she needs to be, and Blair tells her to go to hell. She leaves, pissed, and B flips open her phone: "Screw Grace Kelly. I need to scheme." Dorota shakes her head fearfully -- "Oh, no" -- but Blair has a plan: "That tiny man must have some big secret I can exploit, and with his trusting nature, finding it out shouldn't be too hard."