Blair sits down to lunch with Cyrus and lobs a couple of serves, but they're lead, and Cyrus keeps saying shit like how Eleanor is "a diamond in an ocean of coal." Yeahthat Eleanor Waldorf really is a diamond: tacky, and covered in the blood of innocents! Finally B gets bored and asks about his ex-wife, pushing a little harder, and Cyrus caves, and then tells her the most ridiculous fucking story in the history of linear narrative.

Alice and I were very young when we got married. We were very fond of each, other but never passionate. And then I got drafted, I was sent to Vietnam. And I fell deeply in love with a Vietnamese girl named Kim-Ly. It means "Golden Lion." I knew I could never stay married to Alice if I could feel a passion like that for somebody else. And I planned to bring Kim-Ly back to America, but first I had to go back by myself and end my marriage.

Okay? But there's more!

While I was breaking the news to Alice, Kim-Ly was killed in a surprise attack on her village. I was devastated. But I always knew in my heart that what I'd felt for Kim-Ly was true love. And I think I was too much of a romantic to stay forever in a loveless marriage. So ultimately, Alice and I parted as good friends. I'd always hoped I could feel something like that again, and now I have, with your mother.

DUDE, that wins the universe! Gossip Girl can't even quit right now! The time warp of the Upper East Side is actually spreading out in time and space and has already reached the Viet Nam conflict, whereby his marriage dissolved -- because he was in love with a Vietnamese girl named GOLDEN LION, y'all -- and yet he has a son who is at most 23 years old that somewhat recently graduated RISD... Or else he's in his mid-thirties which makes his putting the college moves on Serena even creepier, except... I lost track. Anyway, B has no problem buying this story because she lives in the UES and she's used to it, but unexpectedly, she falls in love with Cyrus Rose, the whole story, the doomed drama of it all, the... the Golden Lion of it all. I have to say that Leighton Meester has chemistry with everybody, but there are sparks shooting out of the TV whenever she's talking to Cyrus Rose, for real. She's so appalled by him and charmed by him and appalled by how charmed she is by him, it's like the opposite of the Chuck thing which makes it the same as the Chuck thing, if you see what I'm saying. It's adorable.