"That must be his driver," Blair says, watching him get uncomfortably close to Eleanor's face, but then they make out and she realizes that her mom is a gnome-kisser, and it's like you can see Roger Thornhill sliding wanly into the garbage disposal of her mind, and Eleanor pulls back and he goes, "Not enough!" and grabs her for a second round, and then does the same thing to "the lovely Blair," twice, which causes her actual neuralgia, and meanwhile Dorota's like, "Fuck a bunch of Auberges for a gnome and shit" and starts putting out the everyday plate.

Okay, we've talked about New Money before, but I mean: It's Bass Industries' twentieth anniversary. Chuck Bass's money is five seconds older than he is! Ew! Chuck gives Bart a congratulatory gift of a season box for the New York Rangers, which is a... bloodsport, from what I understand, like foxhunting but with less teeth and extra mullets. Bart's like, "Are you new? I hated you yesterday, I'm going to hate you tomorrow, what on Earth makes you think today's special? This is the twentieth anniversary of me hating your ass, and I got you this gift: it's called my disdain and it's wrapped in shiny hostility. And there's a copy of Squirrel Nutkin in there too." Chuck Bass feels some feelings of matricidal guilt and abandonment, and his face thinks about making a new expression and then it's like "Nope, I'm good."

Dan goes to some old guy pervo bar to meet the leprechaun, who is so excited to see him that he jumps to his feet, leaving his pot of gold unprotected, and introduces him to James Wolf, the senior editor at New York Magazine, who apparently forgot his meds and has decided to ask a teenage boy who writes fiction and cannot write to deliver an "exposé" on Bart Bass to New York Magazine, and all I can say is, in the books Chuck Bass has a literal monkey on his shoulder most of the time, and it is named Sweetie, and it throws shit at people. This is not our world, suck it up. So now Dan is like the Woodward and Bernstein of Bart's life and he's getting up close and personal with tycoons and figuring out how they operate and what they're like all about, and that's his job now other than high school. Get inside Bart's head and see what makes him tick and root around in his past and make a huge fucking mess of everything. This they have offered in their infinite wisdom to a boy-child-man who could not figure out the operating instructions to Serena van der Woodsen: the most user-friendly easy-to-deal-with affectionate easygoing person in the entire universe.