Gossip Girl
Bonfire Of The Vanity

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Agnes Troublé!

Serena is totally dorky and squirrelly in Aaron's grody studio, which is kind of cool to see because it's the first time she's even been in the same zip code as flustered. Aaron's grody studio is probably also the first time she's been in the same zip code as Flushing. He like points his old-man creepy camera at her and fixes her hair and stuff, and she poses all fake and like a bookcase named Blair and he calls her Zoolander and then it's like she lets her inner freedom take over or something -- which mainly means lounging in a club chair and looking like somebody brained her with a cast-iron skillet -- and the whole time the music is like, "Isn't this sooo sexy? Don't you wish they would kiss and woggle their heads around like guppies some more? You haven't thought about Serena's boobs in about ten seconds, let's fix that. Isn't delayed gratification like soooo arousing? Don't you wish these two boring people would make stupid faces at each other for like ten more minutes? Sooooo hottttt." They do. And it is, ya got me, but that's because Serena's like the prettiest girl in the world, and if there were a TV show called Snappin' Photos Of Blake Lively where it's just her smiling in a variety of poses while her picture is being taken, I would watch it. I would TiVo that shit.

Chuck totally spies on the spy and calls his spy at New York to get the superspy info on what Dan's spying all about, and then Gossip Girl goes, "You know what? Fuck it. Just fuck. It."

"Did Brooklyn Boy really think he could bury the bone in the backyard, and no one would find it? Every Bass will have his day..."

WHAT? And that's not even the worst one. The one at the end of the episode could peel paint it's so very fucked. Did Gossip Girl really think she could eat the last of the shrooms and nobody would notice? Every schnassafrass will hoody-hoo!

Serena comes galloping back to Aaron's grody loft the next morning with a bag of breakfast and some coffees and keeps referring to herself as a "muse," which is adorable, and then he shows her the installation he's made, which is a polite way of saying that sometime during last night his brain shit the bed and now he's hung all of these sheets all over the place like a creepy womby maze and Serena's face is projected all over the place in different sizes doing different impressions of what the ghost of a total stranger looks like when it feels sad or happy or bedazzled or trenchant or desperate or wins the lottery or experiences the best emotion of all time, Scheißbedauern, and they make out for a bit and Serena can't stop saying that word, she's like "I'm so aMUSEd by all of this but my aMUSEment is tempered with beMUSEment; this homemade MUSEum is giving me exophthalMUSEs and nystagMUSEs and slight sphygMUSEs!" But before she can indulge, another marshmallow fucking steps up on her man, just walking into the grody loft like it's totally normal, and Serena goes -- it's terrible sad -- goes, "I thought modeling was our thing," kind of confused- and sweetly, and my notes go: "Oh dear." And then Aaron kind of makes me like him by going, "I'm doing a series!" NICE! Anyway, she tells the new girl Danielle to drink her coffee and then walks out, presumably to have a nice long intense talk with Cecil.

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Gossip Girl

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