Dan comes to Bart and tries to pry into the arson stuff, right, but then Bart flips the script and goes, "So it's out. I've had that man's death on my conscience for twenty years." WHAT? You heard me, Bart fully BURNED A DUDE TO DEATH. That is SO rockstar. Bart Bass wins the Golden Lion award for WTF this week. Chuck comes running up to put a stop to it, and reveals that Dan's working for the leprechaun and all that, and Bart gets up in his face with his big nasty leatherette face and asks how much money he wants, and Dan says "I don't want your money," and then ... wanders out of the apartment. Dan? Chuck follows him to the elevator and begs him not to fuck everything up, and Dan's all, "It's ethical for me to destroy your family, because this is bigger than us and your petty stupid feelings of wanting to protect your family and your Dad," and Chuck Bass fully begs him not to do it. Says "please," does Chuck Bass. I know, I didn't believe it either, but it's intense, because he agrees with Dan that it's not about their sublimated homosexual desire for each other right now, but about something even bigger than that, before which he is totally vulnerable, and that is his Daddy the murderer. Oh, I hope Dan does the right thing. Not the Dan-right Right Thing, but the Actual-right Right Thing.
Blair stands behind Cyrus for awhile before asking why he's still there, and he yells in the Inconceivable voice, "I sent my driver to dinner because I thought I'd be at the party ringing in your birthday!" She gives him a tiny indulgent smile and takes him to task for giving up so easily, and he's like, "Check it. I can't get involved in a land war with you, because you're the daughter: you win. But I didn't give up." Blair immediately and rapidly applies a radical reassessment to the situation and puts it together: "You outmaneuvered me! You deliberately let me win, counting on the fact that Cyndi Lauper would prey on my emotions!" Ordinarily I would question this, but after the Golden Lion I don't have anything left to give.
She laughs and totally adores him, and he's like "Yeah, I'm a lawyer? And three feet tall? So I tend to use what I've got." She tells him well done, and he points at her: "Not enough!" so she upgrades to "genius," and warns him she's still coming after him, and then asks him to come back upstairs with her: "Stand next to me while I tell my mom the whole truth about the Golden Lion. She'll be furious with me, so I may need an attorney." He hollers and throws himself on her and she's like, "Man, it is so fucked up that you exist, but also kind of cool," and she says out loud that he is not what she was picturing. He says he wasn't exactly expecting her either, I guess because if you asked Eleanor about her daughter your mental picture would be a cross between Hitler, the mom in Gilbert Grape, and some kind of quantum phenomenon that only exists for about ten minutes at a time.