Gossip Girl
Bonfire Of The Vanity

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
Agnes Troublé!

It's good to know that he writes even worse than we thought, but I don't want to point and laugh because A) I'm still kind of basking in this nice Dan feeling, and B) it's all there on the page. I mean, what do you say? "This gives me heartburn, but no Scheißbedauern at all." Bart sits on Lily's couch where Eric came out to her and cries about the dude he BURNED TO DEATH, and the butler brings him the story, and the note says: "I'm so sorry. You should read this. Dan." He has really nice blocky handwriting, like my Dad's.

Aaron eats dinner with Danielle and a hundred candles, and Serena comes in and gets clotheslined by Cecil for the fiftieth time running, and she gets sassy with him and he totally flips it on her again: "I'm seeing a lot of people. You and I just started hanging out, okay? Did I miss a talk where we decided to be exclusive? Look, I don't know how it works in high school, but I like to date more than one person at once. You're free to see other people, too." Serena points out that this is the same condescending bullshit he always hands her and leaves, although I'm kind of on his side at this point because what, you need an embossed invitation to reality at this point? Date him or don't, but stop acting like a Humphrey about this like reality owes you one. Come on, S.

Rufus literally strumming his guitar and singing to himself just as I prophesied, although he's managed to get as far from the kitchen as the futon, and Jenny's all nude-lipstick pissy with him, and he refuses to sign the paper and basically calls her a wicked worthless person for... Well, he's not clear exactly and I don't really care, so the important thing is he calls her a piece of shit for about twenty minutes and she finally bounces and goes and cries in an alley, so you get to see her totally off the rails for what seems like the fiftieth anniversary of earlier in this episode when she freaked out the first time, and then you forget all about Jenny because Gossip Girl has decided it's time for a good old-fashioned cry for help. I can't even punctuate this for you because I don't understand what it means, but it's so deranged that it makes me feel lightheaded and woozy, like it's a magic spell that makes crazy:

"Poor Little Orphan Jenny looks like she needs a Daddy Warbucks but Daddy Warbucks don't grow on trees at least not on a tree that grows in Brooklyn."

GOSSIP GIRL. What the FUCK. Every way you punctuate that it just gets more and more fucked up! This has to stop. You need to start talky-talky in English again. You are a blogger writing about the boring behavior of stupid teenagers, for other stupid boring teenagers! Show some respect for yourself and your calling!

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Gossip Girl




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