Gossip Girl
Bonfire Of The Vanity

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Agnes Troublé!

This whole time Serena's been playing with her phone, because you know that's like half of her personality, and she keeps grinning and whatever, and meanwhile Blair's competing with her own birthday excitement by being excited about her mom's awesome boyfriend whom she has not met, Cyrus Rose. He also has the look of a small yet helpful magical woodland creature, which -- combined with "Lucky Charms" Shapiro from Paris Review and Serena's queer nymphy running through the park at the end -- means the goddamn supernatural creatures are about to outnumber us real Americans, just like on True Blood. "Cyrus has been one of my mom's attorneys since the divorce. He asked her out when they first met, but she didn't wanna mix business with pleasure. Finally, his amorous overtures wore her down, and she agreed to dinner. She's been smitten ever since." Nelly Yuki is all over the romance, and kind of all over anybody in an adjoining seat. Maybe that's what happened to Creepy Little Elise: Nelly Yuki ate her when nobody was looking, starting with her creepy little face. Maybe Creepy Little Elise is inside Nelly Yuki.

"One thing my mom has is good taste in men. Maybe a dashing stepdad is just what I need." Serena's phone plings for like the hundredth time, and Penelope's all, "Speaking of good taste in men, how's the sexy artist, Serena?" (I like how this season, Penelope is now the straight man and Hazel's the disturbing horny one. It's so Betty White/Rue McClanahan.) Serena's all about how Aaron is "amazing" and keeps sending her on "amazing" scavenger hunts to "amazing" places using "amazing" Google maps that he "amazingly" emails her in lieu of actual interaction or conversation. However, points for sending her to the Cloisters, which is where my wedding to Tim Gunn will take place. Blair tells Serena to shut the amazing fuck up about Aaron, because she is kind of a frenemy about all boyfriends, not just cocksucker Brookyln ones. Hazel is gripped by Black Snake Moan so bad right now, it's wild, like "her boner is lifting the table" wild. Serena runs off to jump through some more retarded Aaron Rose hoops so that he can call her an asshole some more and fuck other girls and she can be totally confused about where her life went some more, and encourages Blair to plan her birthday all she wants without Serena's input, because Serena's attention span is shorter than my patience with the Humphreys.

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Gossip Girl

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