Gossip Girl
Bonfire Of The Vanity

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
Agnes Troublé!

There she is! And it's my favorite song of two months ago, "Sex On Fire" by the Kings of Leon, playing as she hits Times Square, and looks up at the Bluefly ad for awhile before the big Bladerunner jumbotron turns to Giant Serena, and then the song plays and Aaron appears out of nowhere like the creepy stalker that he is, and they make out in the middle of a bunch of rushing New Yorkers, and nobody stabs them so I guess when they cleaned up Times Square they also made it so standing in people's way when they're trying to fucking get somewhere is not longer irritating. "Spotted: S and A, bringing sexy back to Times Square. Move over, Disney, 42nd Street is steaming up!" (This is our first clue to the fact that Gossip Girl is completely out of her fucking mind this week, but we'll have a few more, don't you worry.) Serena does that awesome sexy-looking kissing thing she does where her head bobs up and down like a guppy the whole time. I tried that out this week and I don't want to tell you how it worked out for me, because the answer is not great, so take my advice and don't do that thing.

At school, Blair's wearing an awesome red cardigan and black beret, because winter-into-fall is her best season sartorially, and she's all up Serena's ass about where was she last night, and Serena's like, "I had to do the guppy thing in Times Square, what." B tells her that boys are stupid and sucky and take your mommy away, and doesn't she remember this from when she totally rebelled against Bart Bass for no reason a couple weeks ago and pretended she wasn't wearing panties? Also, Cyrus is inconceivable. "He's five feet tall! He has a catchphrase! And he's a hugger!" Serena's beautiful smile is gigantic, because the idea of Blair dealing with anything like that is awesome to contemplate, but then the fucking phone rings with another fucking map and she's gotta bounce, and she tells B about how during the guppy-kissing he asked her to pose for him in his studio, and "be his muse," okay, she says that shit out loud, and B tells her that it's a death trap and being the muse never works out.

You know how awesome Serena normally is? As boring as this storyline is at the moment, Serena has this way of saying the most bizarre shit so matter-of-factly that you don't even question it. Exhibit A: "Plenty of women have been both lover and muse to famous artists, like Picasso." Say that shit out loud, right this second. Do it. Imagine saying that in your life, like as part of a conversation with another person. You cannot. And meanwhile on the other end of the spectrum, everything out of B's mouth is just gold: "Serena, a guy starts out in his Blue period, and everything's great, but it's only a matter of time before he's all into Cubism, and it's some other girl's eye coming out of her forehead."

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Gossip Girl




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