Gossip Girl
Bonfire Of The Vanity

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Agnes Troublé!

Serena laughs and takes off, and B tries to enlist her in Project Gnomicide, and Serena shakes her head at the little beast: "B, enough already. You always said you wanted to be an elegant woman at eighteen, like Grace Kelly." Blair thinks about that, and remembers that she's a grownup now, and Serena's just laughs and sends rays of adoration B's way before she... Wanders away in the middle of the schoolday to a creepy post-grad's rape pad without even a second thought, but it's fine because after all, plenty of women have been both lover and muse to famous artists such as Picasso.

Dan turns off his little microrecorder and lies to Bart Bass that he's really into real estate all of a sudden, and "over the writing thing," which is two unnecessary lies, and then applies a little lube to the total handjob he's giving Bart Bass about how he's the most successful person Dan knows, and blah blah, and can he follow Bart around after school a few days a week, and Bart's like: Um, no? I mean seriously, can you imagine anything worse than getting shadowed by a Humphrey? "Do you really need those trans fats in your body? Are those manmade fibers petroleum-derived? Maybe you should stop punching Vanessa," like, it would never end.

Then Dan Humphrey shows just how completely hollow his entire lie of integrity is by doing the worst thing he has ever done, which is leverage his Dad's sex life and broken career against this man's virtual cuckolding at his father's hands, to manipulate Bart into letting him creepy-creep alongside him for awhile. "My Dad, his world is pretty narrow. He may have had a hit song in the '90s, but he didn't build half the Manhattan skyline..." Bart giggles and then he's all, "Yeah, your Dad is totally lame, like, what was he doing in the twenty years I was building my empire besides time-travelling around with my wife and having improbably-timed children and being a rock star, and then I had this whole conversation with Lily about how I sold my old building and we have to sell old buildings and it was a metaphor where 'old building' was code for 'your Dad's dick,' so clearly I'm susceptible to this transparent manipulation by a fifteen-year-old walking douche, so let's hang out all the time and I'll show you the secret to how I make my skin this frighteningly leather-like texture and then we can go to the hockey game."

So Agnes is at some wheatgrassy café hung over in a big floppy hat and Lennon glasses and like a sweater-cape, drinking VITAMIN WATER for the healthy VITAMINS and the hydrating WATER of it all, and Jenny walks in screaming at her about how she's not answering her phone and they still don't have a manager and it's Jenny so she's all, "Don't you understand? This afternoon is the last chance I will ever have to get a business manager and if I don't do it in the next two hours, my entire life is a lie!" Agnes tells her to tone down the screeching and have some tequila or a Xanax, and Jenny gets all in her face about the list of bad choices like leaving home and hurting Wufus's feewings and then Agnes has to go vomit which is what happens when Humphreys talk about Humphreys to non-Humphreys, and while she's in there shooting wheatgrass and VITAMIN WATER All over the place, Jenny rifles through her belongings, just like Vanessa taught her, and sets up an Agnes-free meeting with that guy from before.

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Gossip Girl

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