How well did Harold's marriage to Eleanor work? That all depends on what percentage of Blair and Eleanor is secretly gay men from the extremely early '80s, and the answer is: all of it. "Mom and I love Cyndi Lauper! We used to re-enact 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun'! Our first DVD was Vibes!" Okay, that made me laugh. I love that movie. Everything Cyndi Lauper says in that movie is fucked up to a Serena van der Woodsen degree, but the part that always gives me the giggles is when she gets off the airplane at the beginning and screams "BUENOS DIAS!" for no reason at all. Also the line, "Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun," which is most likely also Blair's favorite line. Cyrus says he got Cyndi tickets for himself and Eleanor for the night of the birthday party, and Blair frowns. "My mother's coming to my party! This year is different! I'm eighteen, and it's a grownup party! I e-mailed Dorota a new guest list! Parents are invited!" There's something heartbreakingly sweet about Blair calling it a "grownup party," no? Her whole life is a grownup party. Cyrus is like, "Well fuck it then, I'll return the tickets" but Eleanor realizes he has no way of knowing how much she despises her own daughter even with his forest gnome powers and magic hat, so she's like, "Fuck that! I'm returning my daughter." Then there's actual babytalk and squeezing his cheeks, and lo it is a terror in thy heart to gaze on.
Scott Smith -- Which, like can he at least have a fabulous name? I gotta type out van der Woodsen about a hundred times a week, the least interesting-yet-sluttiest character ever on this show is named Jordan Steele in actuality, and this guy is Scott Smith? -- tells Jenny he is relieved she's dumped Agnes, because even though he understands they are artists and they have a passion or whatever, he also understands that she artistically pissed in one of his potted plants, and when all you live on is VITAMIN WATER, cocaine and wheatgrass you're going to fell even the mightiest ficus, plus it smells weird in there now, and he's like, "Let's incorporate you in a jiff, but wait: you're obviously fifteen. Are you eighteen?" And she says no, and he's like, "Then all you have to do is..." I stopped listening because I realized he couldn't legally tell her to forge Alison's signature on that bitch, which means she's not even going to think of it because of her Humphrey ethics and slight brain damage, which means this is going to get real dumb real fast, and Rufus is going to make that face he makes: like ice cream is illegal now.