This episode is just like a teenage boy: dirty, excitable, melodramatic, headlong, and not as complicated as it thinks it is. And, if you're a young woman in a position of authority, like a teacher or a nanny, I guess that's enough to make you have sex with it. Come to think of it, those words also describe Blair's Blueprint for War on Rachel Carr, which despite touting itself as New and Different and Amazing, really just comes down to B yelling at a bunch of people to find some dirt, finding the dirt, posting that dirt to Gossip Girl, and then lying through her teeth about steps 1 - 3.
Not that much different from any other episode, really, and made easier by the fact that Rachel Carr is apparently the stupidest person in existence. She runs around crossing boundaries and doing inappropriate shit the entire episode, which is annoying for a teacher, and then whines when people talk smack about her on the internet, which is annoying period, because the internet is not real life. That's two reasons for her murder, but it looks like she'll be around for awhile longer. In fact, the only thing that makes this episode different is that there's no Biggest Social Event of the Season -- for the first time ever, and which the omission of sucks -- and the fact that this episode is totally on crack -- which does not suck at all.
Blair makes a silly speech about destroying Rachel Carr that goes nowhere with the Plastics, then notices the total sex vibe between Rachel Carr and Dan (not to mention Serena). She tosses a crumb GG's way, and everything spirals out of control! Dan and Rachel convince Serena that they only have eyes for her, but then Serena stalks the shit out of Rachel and ends up seeing Dan playing with Rachel's unemployed hair at a coffee shop. This causes her to take a photograph and run away and give the picture immediately to Blair. Because they are so close, as best friends, that whenever Serena leaves town Blair turns into a secret cutter -- but S just forgot that she was a sociopath. Especially now that she has been expelled from Constance and has lost her shot at Yale forever.
The Doppelqueller that has replaced our beloved headmistress throws a big school board meeting because parents are in an uproar! Rufus is convinced that his child's life will never be the same, and wants Blair to be put to death! Harold Waldorf wanders around with a bulldog, dressed all gay and fighting for his daughter's right to be a bitch and tell lies! There is a big school board meeting about it! Blair gets Rachel fired, but Harold finds out it was a lie in the first place, and pouts! Because they are so close, as father and daughter, that just saying his name forces her to throw up pie on demand -- but he didn't know she was a sociopath? Maybe he just forgot too.
Meanwhile, on some other awesome show that makes no sense at all, the late Bart Bass was a member of an elite sex cabal of powerful men (real verbatim dialogue: "Turn on CNN, walk down Wall Street, go to Washington: that's who they are") that's like a cross between Eyes Wide Shut and Plato's Retreat where they put on masks and fuck prostitutes in houses that are on the market. Chuck received an invite by accident last night, and has vague recollections of fucking the "most beautiful" woman he's ever "seen" wearing a mask, but that's about it.
The reason is that she got so scared for his safety, once she noticed that he was a teenage boy and not the famous real estate magnate, that she had to roofie him and stash him in a hotel room so she could go back to Greenwich where she works as a nanny. Chuck gets obsessed with her, tracks her down, and eventually gets her disappeared, but this does not stop him from dragging Nate and Vanessa into the business. Wisely, they stay out of it and have an elite sex cabal of two, the way God intended.
So Serena runs around the entire time apologizing to everybody, because that's every episode, and Rachel's heart is like so broken and Dan's judger is like so judgey, and then he goes over to apologize to Rachel for being uninvolved in her getting fired, and she devours him like the mighty unemployed cougar of the mountains. So the lie that was true that wasn't true turns out not to be a lie, in the fullness of time, and what's so sad is that Blair doesn't even know it, and just feels like she let her dad down. I'm tired of waiting for her to go insane, but maybe this will do it.
Then, at this precise moment in time that they are boning Letourneau style, the Doppelqueller decides not to fire Rachel after all, and Serena decides for the one billionth time that she didn't actually mean to break up with Dan, so by their own actions they have turned him and Rachel into an entire episode of Tyra without their knowledge, which means that once again Dan is fucking it up for everybody, but this time it is awesome because he's not even doing anything bad, and nobody even knows that the thing that was made up at the beginning of the episode is now totally true, just because Blair Waldorf imagined it hard enough. This is why you don't fuck with Blair Waldorf: she can actually will you into being a pedophile.
Yeah, so um, apparently March is the new February? And so I'll see you in March! Yeah, you heard right. Not exactly a high note to leave on, but the show's been off its game -- and seemingly rewriting itself every week -- since around the time Jack showed up. I'm willing to wait for it to right itself.
Watch our vloggers take on the show. Come back Monday for Jacob's full detailed recap.
Remember newspapers? Remember The Family Circus? And sometimes instead of just doing a normal shitty cartoon, they will pretend that a kid wrote it, even though the kid in question is probably now pushing 70 and embarrassed to even be associated with it? That's what this episode of Gossip Girl was like: as if somebody who had maybe seen the show a few times but wasn't incredibly bright was given a crack at it. Or maybe the Make A Wish Foundation is involved somehow. I don't know what the fuck went wrong here, but I do know I'm not going to spend a whole lot of time worrying about it. This recap comes to you from South Padre Island, on the off-season, and I've got a ton of fun shit to do that doesn't involve watching something I love being slowly bludgeoned to death. Yesterday I bought a kite with a completely awesome rainbow unicorn on it, and I will be damned if I'm gonna leave town before flying that bitch proudly.
While Serena gets dressed for school, Blair is busy doing detention duty in the Park, picking up garbage. By which I mean Blair is on her cell busily bitching to Serena about the disgrace of being given detention -- for the first time in her "16,982 hours of schooling" -- while watching Dorota do the heavy lifting. Serena cracks that just hearing the number makes her want to play hooky, and B goes back to her favorite new hobby: resenting Rachel Carr. S points out that B was asking for it because of that time that she invited Rachel to dinner at a closed restaurant. I love how suddenly everybody thinks this is a huge deal. Last year, Blair outed Serena for a nonexistent drug habit in front of a whole slew of college advisors. This year: invited to dinner as a joke. And everybody plays along like this is a huge deal. Man, I thought the Uncle Jack three-parter was disappointing, but this Rachel Carr storyline is just retardedly bad.
Serena reminds us and Blair -- as though any of us care -- that Rachel is the first teacher, adult, or human to take her seriously, and Blair gets jealous and starts accusing S of being in love with her, and Serena distractedly admits that she and Dan are not doing great. This is because they have no reason to be together, and have broken up eleven times, but B doesn't bother to point that out. S takes off to go stalk Rachel some more, and B whines to Dorota that S is "sympathetic to the enemy," so she has to "cross her off [B's] list of recruits." Issue one: S has never taken part in a Blair scheme, ever. There's no reason for her to do so, and B would never think to "recruit" her for anything at all. Harold Waldorf comes walking up with Handsome the bulldog, and they have a quick talk about what a martyr Blair is, which impresses Dorota not a whit.