Remember newspapers? Remember The Family Circus? And sometimes instead of just doing a normal shitty cartoon, they will pretend that a kid wrote it, even though the kid in question is probably now pushing 70 and embarrassed to even be associated with it? That's what this episode of Gossip Girl was like: as if somebody who had maybe seen the show a few times but wasn't incredibly bright was given a crack at it. Or maybe the Make A Wish Foundation is involved somehow. I don't know what the fuck went wrong here, but I do know I'm not going to spend a whole lot of time worrying about it. This recap comes to you from South Padre Island, on the off-season, and I've got a ton of fun shit to do that doesn't involve watching something I love being slowly bludgeoned to death. Yesterday I bought a kite with a completely awesome rainbow unicorn on it, and I will be damned if I'm gonna leave town before flying that bitch proudly.
While Serena gets dressed for school, Blair is busy doing detention duty in the Park, picking up garbage. By which I mean Blair is on her cell busily bitching to Serena about the disgrace of being given detention -- for the first time in her "16,982 hours of schooling" -- while watching Dorota do the heavy lifting. Serena cracks that just hearing the number makes her want to play hooky, and B goes back to her favorite new hobby: resenting Rachel Carr. S points out that B was asking for it because of that time that she invited Rachel to dinner at a closed restaurant. I love how suddenly everybody thinks this is a huge deal. Last year, Blair outed Serena for a nonexistent drug habit in front of a whole slew of college advisors. This year: invited to dinner as a joke. And everybody plays along like this is a huge deal. Man, I thought the Uncle Jack three-parter was disappointing, but this Rachel Carr storyline is just retardedly bad.
Serena reminds us and Blair -- as though any of us care -- that Rachel is the first teacher, adult, or human to take her seriously, and Blair gets jealous and starts accusing S of being in love with her, and Serena distractedly admits that she and Dan are not doing great. This is because they have no reason to be together, and have broken up eleven times, but B doesn't bother to point that out. S takes off to go stalk Rachel some more, and B whines to Dorota that S is "sympathetic to the enemy," so she has to "cross her off [B's] list of recruits." Issue one: S has never taken part in a Blair scheme, ever. There's no reason for her to do so, and B would never think to "recruit" her for anything at all. Harold Waldorf comes walking up with Handsome the bulldog, and they have a quick talk about what a martyr Blair is, which impresses Dorota not a whit.