Gossip Girl
Carrnal Knowledge

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: F | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Billy Subs In For Jeff & Bil!

You know where barely legal teenage guys are hot? In movies with Kate Winslet. You know where teenage guys are disgusting? In real life. I have five little brothers. They spent about ten years smelling like dead animals. When I myself was a teenage boy, I smelled like a field of flowers, but that doesn't mean I was great in bed. And certainly none of the guys I was with in high school were particularly gifted in that arena, skill-set-wise. The only good thing about fucking teenagers is that you don't know any better either. And while that's true of Rachel Carr, and arrested emotional development is key to the Mrs. Robinson dynamic (cf. Julie Cooper), he's still... Gross! Smelly socks! Skids on the boxers! Beard and mustache experiments! Body shaving experiments! Boys are disgusting! Rachel Carr, by the transitive property, I pronounce you: both retarded and disgusting! Get some boundaries! Fuck an adult!

Especially since these last two developments make everything awesome: Number one, Doppelqueller shows up at the house of PRADA MARFA to say that no, Rachel is in fact not fired. Insufficient evidence, Dan saying nothing happened, she could sue, it would be bad for the school. So now Rachel and B are both back at school, and this whole thing is stupid and even more pointless. Then Doppelqueller -- and we can hope this is important over the break -- heads over to Rachel's to give her the good news, and was only at Lily's because they are (so ironically) head of the Parents' Council. Rufus stares sullenly into space, wondering how he can possibly make this about him. Meanwhile, Serena walks through a rainy part of town and reconsiders her 123417th breakup, but Dan ignores her call because he is too busy vigorously giving his innocence away to a seriously fucked up young teacher. And even GG is like, "Guess Serena should not have fucking questioned Dan, because now she's getting what she deserves! XOXO!"

You know I love you, and not in a creepy misuse-of-authority way. Meet me back here next month sometime, when hopefully the real show returns to us. Meanwhile, I'm heading down the shore for a mood toe ring, so I can find out what kind of mood my toe is in. I think it is probably disappointed and a little hung over. We will see.

It oughta be a crime! Check out our Gossip Girl: Criminal Dossiers gallery so you can spot these notorious brats from a ways off.

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Gossip Girl

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