Gossip Girl
Carrnal Knowledge

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: F | 1 USERS: A+
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Billy Subs In For Jeff & Bil!

At breakfast, Rachel is telling Dan Humphrey how talented he is and how great his stories are. Anyone with any sense of reality would know right at this very early point that Rachel is a pedo, because Dan's a horrible writer and nobody has any business telling him otherwise unless they're trying to tap that. But the show wavers on this point. They talk about how she feels isolated and alone, like an outsider, due to her incomplete personality, willingness to play favorites on campus, and willingness to cross every sort of social or well-intentioned boundary possible with as many young people as there are hours in the day. They joke about the subway for awhile, and then Rachel returns to her favorite subject, and Dan's: talking shit about everybody at the school or on the Upper East Side that is not them. Nothing terribly original is said, because look who's talking.

Just as Rachel is mentioning her draconian plans to get the students' minds focused back on school and off themselves, Serena -- who's got enough brain left over after thinking about herself to do okay in school -- walks up and is, justly, grossed out by the fact of them. Rachel immediately falls all over herself like many puppies, talking about how amazing Dan is, et cetera, and Serena's like, "I know, trust me." So now there are three people in this scene with grossly inflated senses of Dan's Humphrey worth. Dan leaves awkwardly, after awkwardly punching S in the arm, as though to say, "You are my girlfriend, but only by default." Rachel's still googly-eyed about Dan long after he's left, which makes S both jealous and uncomfortable, so she lies and says she needs more time with her King Lear essay. Rachel checks her purse for the fuck she was going to give, but cannot locate it anywhere.

Chuck wakes up in a hotel room and has memories of being in a wannabe-sexy, seriously stupid storyline with no hope of redemption, so he calls up Nate and Nate's like, "Girl, that's all I've ever known."

Blair brings her detention slip to Rachel Carr, who is I think being completely sincere when she keeps talking about how there are things B can learn from this exercise. I think the key to this show right now is assuming that Rachel is totally legit, like, everything she says is straight up authentic. Even the whole Dan thing, she might as well be saying "I want your high school bone" the whole time. So I believe her, or else this show is suddenly stupid to an unwatchable degree. "I made friends with a family of squirrels and had lots of time to think," Blair says of her time in the park, and then stares at Rachel with a Deluxe Waldorf Are You Fuckin' Kidding Me? when Rachel replies that Thoreau "found nature inspiring as well."

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Gossip Girl

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