Gossip Girl
Carrnal Knowledge

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: F | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Billy Subs In For Jeff & Bil!

Nate and Vanessa are like two dachshunds that grew up together, and they crawl all over each other and trot from place to place and sniff each other all the time and laugh at private dachshund jokes. Seriously, they laugh uproariously the entire episode for no reason at all, and come off looking sort of unhinged and very, very self-conscious. I bet the script was like, "NATE and VANESSA laugh," and they were like, "I guess we're supposed to laugh, again, at this point. Should we think of a reason? Nah. Nobody else cares, and we have no vested interest in this show."

So they meet up with Chuck outside some apartment somewhere, and Vanessa -- speaking of things nobody would ever say, even her -- goes, "Talk about the filthy rich! What happened to you?" As though even an unshowered Chuck Bass would smell that bad, "natural musk" and all, but mostly: the fuck says that, honestly? There is no reality check. Anyway, he uses the number on the invitation he got yesterday to unlock the realtor box and get the key out. So this ridiculous Bohemian Grove sex club uses houses where people no longer live to stage their little games. That's sort of cool. That's the only cool thing about this entire deal: realty fraud. And that sucks, because this could be frothy fun but instead it's completely toothless and flashbacky and has a distinctly stupid National Treasure/Dan Brown kind of feeling to it instead.

Chuck explains, over gaywad flashbacks that illustrate the stupid story he's telling, that he got an envelope yesterday that led him to this building where it was all flabby rich powerful white guys and naked chicks in masks hanging out on divahhhhns (which V nails as the Chuck Bass version of Narnia, for which she gets many points now only to have them deducted later) and once inside and past the velvet curtains there was some chick -- "the most beautiful woman I've ever seen" -- who climbed on top of him and then nothing happened, and it was awesome, and he got roofied and woke up in a hotel. "In a cruel twist of fate," Chuck says out loud, "I don't even remember her name." He says he's hoping a visit to the place will ring a bell, and then Nate and Vanessa laugh and laugh and laugh.

"Between milking cows in Des Moines and teaching low income kids to read and write, Ms. Carr is clean as a whistle," says Iz. Blair insults Hazel's hair even though it looks totally cute, because there is no script supervision here, because the producers are all off at the shore or something, and B tells them the truth is letting her down, so they need to abandon it. They stare at her uncomprehendingly, and she goes, "Make something up, idiots," and leaves. "With friends like these, who needs friends? Stupid," she bitches to herself. What was it that brought her down the first time, during the pregnancy scare? Wasn't it like some tiny faux pas and being mean to Jenny? Now she's literally asking to get shanked, and saying shit nobody would ever say. I don't get it. I don't get how this episode happened. To use my "I" statements: I feel sad, and confused, and a little scared, because this episode sucks sweaty trucker balls, and I own that.

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Gossip Girl

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