Gossip Girl
Carrnal Knowledge

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: F | 1 USERS: A+
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Billy Subs In For Jeff & Bil!

Dan and Rachel bump into each other in the hallway, and it's gross, but again completely unrealistic gestures towards an actual conversation that might happen, where he's crushy-crushy and she's grody-grody, and Blair says six or seven unforgivably stupid, bitching things to the Plastics before sending GG a text that says "Lonely Boy and Ms. Carr? Mary Kay Letourneau alert!" and then grinning to herself evilly: "XOXO..." Ugh. Look, I am not in the business of defending things I love. If you don't like something, more power to you, because I'm going to be over here enjoying myself. I believe that the quality of art is heavily dependent on the viewer, which is why blowing off TV categorically is stupid and shortsighted and embarrassing. And this show, when it's rocking, is the greatest story ever devised.

But were I to be drawn into a conversation about the merits of this show, and should my little lecture about how women's narratives and children's narratives are historically undervalued in our culture go unheeded, my greatest fear is now that this episode would enter the field of play, and I hate it for being future ammo against my sense of self more than anything. As much as this is like some dullard Gossip Girl fan's idea of what an episode of this show might be like, it is also -- and this is painful to realize -- a non-fan's idea of what this show is like: bombastic music, people scheming to themselves like they're on Passions, ridiculous momentary situations and conversations that don't pass simple BS tests, everybody a cartoon, every joke telegraphed and underlined and not that funny to begin with. For like the fourth week running: Too much soap, not enough opera.

Everybody high-fives Dan Humphrey in the courtyard for finally doing something admirable, and Jenny brings over the GG post written on her hand, and Dan makes fun of her old homeless makeup habits so that it's like the show winking at us and pretending to be our friend, and he gets all defensive about how he's not sleeping with Rachel yet, and then Serena comes up and gives him a chance to explain himself, and they figure out that the only person on the Upper East Side that's not in love with her -- because if both S and Lonelyboy think she's great, and they're the center of the universe, then it must be so -- is Blair Waldorf. Dan makes like he's about to murderize B in Rachel's honor and throws a self-righteous hissy fit about how this time, "she's gone way too far."

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Gossip Girl

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