Gossip Girl
Carrnal Knowledge

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: F | 1 USERS: A+
Billy Subs In For Jeff & Bil!

What are Vanessa and Nate doing? What do you think? Giggling inanely for no reason at the piano in the house where Chuck met the most beautiful woman he still hasn't seen. I keep wanting to bitch about how he said that even though she was wearing a mask, but I can see defending that line in a better episode, with some kind of high-flying metaphor about masks and burlesque and the girl inside the thing inside the mask or whatever, so fuck it. Once we see her -- bearing a fucking candle like this is the moors of Scotland and not a huge apartment in Manhattan -- we will see that she's pretty, in the way that girls in L.A. are pretty on their way to being hard. Then he finds a picture of her sitting on the piano with a kid in her arms, and it takes Nate's brilliant steel-trap mind to point out that, since this house is for sale, they could call the realtor.

Dan Humphrey comes galumphing down the hallway doing a fair impression of masculinity, then ruins it by striding purposefully into the Ladies', where B is applying the most wonderful lip gloss to ever gloss a lip. She makes a fucking stupid joke about how he's a girl, and tells him to fuck off and stop bothering her about Doomed Rachel, and he gives some speech about how amazing she is, and Blair delivers an excellent line: "Oh! That is so sweet! Maybe you should write a short story about it and have 'Rachel' give you notes! Naked!" She shoves past him, and his butchness drains away and he turns back into Awkward Lad. Even when she's wrong, she's right.

S stalks Rachel to a coffee cart and gives her the essay, unchanged, even though Rachel's got massive bitchface for no reason, and Rachel gives her this "I totally understand you" speech about how Dan is justified in thinking that he's more talented than God, but Serena has every reason in the world to be insecure about her gifts, because Lily never bought her blank books when she was a kid, just Chanel purses. S agrees, which hurts to see even when it's not Dan' absurd and hateful judgments on her and her lifestyle that she's agreeing with. "Yeah, I'm a vapid twit, you got me there! You and Dan, I tell you what. I would probably think I was pretty great if you guys weren't around to help me remember to hate myself."

So all the people are whispering and gossiping about Rachel and her complete lack of professional boundaries, and S explains about the Dan rumor, dumbly mentioning Gossip Girl: "I've been on Gossip Girl plenty of times, and for the worst things. Some of them were true, some of them weren't. But eventually, everyone forgets. The best thing to do with these things is just nothing at all." Of course, she only mentions Gossip Girl because Rachel and her complete lack of professional boundaries have fooled S into thinking that they are girlfriends, and then once Rachel jumps up her ass about it, S realizes she has no exit strategy, and heads off at a full-tilt canter with little to no farewell. Making it totally obvious that B is to blame, of course.

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Gossip Girl




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