So who should come walking up but Dan, wanting to talk in private about Rachel and her complete lack of professional boundaries, and who is happier to run off to a private location with Dan to talk about the rumors of them going to private locations than Rachel and her complete lack of professional boundaries.
Back at the property, it's a very long scene indeed that resolves down to: the family selling the house has moved to Greenwich, the most beautiful girl in the world in the photo is their nanny, and then Chuck bribes the real estate agent to leave him alone with their contact info long enough to call the family and get the nanny's name, which is Elle, and things are mysterious and whatever.
Blair heads into Doppelqueller's office with her usual bouncy hair, but her vibe goes flaccid when she sees Rachel standing there. What has happened is that Dan Humphrey went running to Rachel after B left him standing in the bathroom holding his lack of dick, and then the whole thing was confirmed by Nelly Yuki, who comes in looking shamefaced and reminding us that the Plastics did tell B to leave it alone. And then Blair is expelled from Constance Billard.
Of course, she immediately takes to her bed -- "Yale will revoke my acceptance as soon as they receive word. This is my darkest hour..." -- and Harold points out that if B started the rumor, there's a legitimate case for "slander," by which he -- and everyone else on this show -- means "libel." She admits she sent a tip to GG, but points out that all the girls do it, and swears that all she wrote was the truth. Which is also pretty much true, and another problem with this episode, because the whole thing about how once again B is drawn over the line into too far, but she should have actually gone too far in order for this story to make sense, and they keep telling us she did, but all I saw was a blind item-style question mark: "Lonelyboy and Rachel? Yuck!" Which, and I hate to agree with Rufus about anything, is valid. Rachel has been acting wildly inappropriate since she showed up. Harold promises to fight for Blair's right to return to Constance, and B gets worried that she has gone too far.
"So you ratted on Blair? You Templeton!" says Vanessa. Which is fine, although weird that it's following on the Narnia thing, and then fucking Dan Humphrey ruins her whole thing by calling this out as a "Charlotte's Web-sult," which is not only fucking unnecessary because we're not retarded, but also an offensive coinage in its own right. Dan justifies himself as best he can, which is hard considering he just got his girlfriend's best friend expelled and basically taken away her chance to attend Yale, for no real reason except to prove something to Rachel, which is also gross. Rufus comes in asking them about it, and Rufus is all "my son is the object of a slander!" And somebody brings a package for Vanessa Abrams, which we know because the guy goes, "Package for Vanessa Abrams!" and there's a mask in there and a card identical to the one Chuck got, so she runs off, and then Rufus is like, "Are you fucking that teacher?" And Dan goes, "My tea is getting cold," by which he means, "I wish."