Gossip Girl
Carrnal Knowledge

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: F | 1 USERS: A+
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Billy Subs In For Jeff & Bil!

S meets Rachel in the park with coffee, and tries to explain to Rachel that vengefully going after Blair's entire future for something as stupid as digital graffiti is stupid and vile, and which like any time a teacher gets up their own asshole about the internet or things people say on the internet, is more about her own drama and her own ignorance than anything else. Hey, who doesn't enjoy being a victim? (Worthwhile people.) Rachel whines and goes on and on about how evil and awful Gossip Girl is, because she's dumb enough to think that the internet is real, and S finally shows a little teeth when she reminds Rachel she's not there to defend the fucking website, she's there to ask Rachel not to bitch out for no real reason and screw her friend over. Rachel then... Leaves, with a petulant little "I do hope we can still be friends." Um, no. And PS? We're not friends. You are a teacher and I am a student, you lonely fucking pathetic idiot.

S calls Blair and tells her she couldn't help; B is wearing an insane dress with giant puffy sleeves, and wanders away from the phone in the middle of the conversation to order Dorota around: "Give Handsome to a homeless man. Make sure he has kind eyes." Blair stares into space looking totally insane, and S stalks Rachel some more: her datebook was hidden by Serena's giant purse, so now she knows that the date she's running off to is Le Petit Oeuf, 5 PM. Meaning that before the big hearing to discuss her fucking a student, she is going to meet that student across town for dinner. A grown woman and a teenage boy, just having some secret dinner, that's all. Rachel Carr is too goddamn stupid to live.

Lily and Rufus head into Constance laughing about how many canceled restaurant reservations it takes to get a parents' meeting together on a Saturday, and they run into Harold, and Rufus gets all fucking righteous in his face about how his son was "slandered," and Lily shoves him out of the way with an embarrassed flush, which is how she is electing to spend the entirety of the rest of her life: apologizing for Rufus.

Chuck calls Nathaniel, who is standing around with roses of course, and they talk about how Chuck is still obsessed with Elle, but also lies for some reason about fucking a double-jointed chiropractor, and Nate's like, "Talk to you later!" without ever asking WTF he was calling about, because the truth is that there is no reason for him to call Nate except to transition into this scene and have Chuck be doing something in that empty house in the dark near a mirror so that Elle can appear out of nowhere holding a taper candle like her hobby is commuting into the city each night and haunting houses where she used to live. Why.

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Gossip Girl

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