Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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One Week Of Danger

"Look, Mom can let these guys choose her life for her, but they shouldn't be able to choose ours." Eric swears it's at least a little different this time, like Lily actually is thinking "family" and not "rich husband" this time. Which makes sense, because of all the problems he has, Rufus really has a grasp on families a lot of the time, and that's what Lily turned down. "We could at least try, right?" Serena: "Fine. But the second he starts to call the shots, these gloves come off and the nails come out." They giggle about her mixed metaphors and she ruffles his hair, and they are awesome. I like it when they're all Team van der Woodsen like this, because it's one of the more realistic things about the show, and after all the premise of Season One was that Serena had to come back and fix Eric because nobody else was going to -- besides, as it turns out, Eric, which is why he is the best.

Nate and Dan chum-chum their way down the hallway and into true love, and Nate lies that the coach was impressed by his soccer skills and not his lack of mono. "Save your thanks until after you see me play," Dan says, and Chuck appears, wearing The Scarf, which seems to have doubled in width and is now taking over his entire body. They are nasty with each other and Chuck puts his hand on Nate, asking him to end the Humphrey bromance: "What happens at Yale stays at Yale." OMG they really did have a threesome. I'm taking that as proof. Jordan Steele, you are my hero. Nate fiercely rebuffs these intimate advances and scoots off down the hallway, working that PO'd-girlfriend mojo like he was born to it. Which actually, were I married to the Captain, I'd probably spend my entire existence in just that kind of WASPy resentment fog, so he kind of was. And somebody's got to keep up the Steel Magnolia act now that Anne's eating lotuses in the Hamptons for the foreseeable future.

Blair, whose hideous ruffles have migrated to her back, so now she looks like a pervy headmistress from both directions, says something nonsensical that GG could have penned: "Poor Chuck. What is life without a friend to share it? Oh, it looks like you just lost yours to Dan Humphrey." Chuck blows it off and touches her face and I think makes a joke about limo sex, but it does not follow so it's just awkward: "I'd rather talk about who you lost yours to anyway." She puts on her bravest face and smiles brightly. "Been there, done that, been decontaminated." Oh, is it 1995 already? I'll have to incorporate that fresh new colloquialism into my armamentarium of badinage, right next to "I've fallen, and I can't get up!" Droll.

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Gossip Girl

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