Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
One Week Of Danger

"Even you wouldn't stoop that low," B says, momentarily stricken, and Vanessa gives an absolutely excruciating fake laugh. I think that I really adore the actress that makes Vanessa happen for us, because nobody is natively this chalkboard-screechingly horrible, so she's got to be acting acting. It's like Penn Badgely: you know he works at those holier-than-thou faces, because they don't come naturally to anybody, even a total cartoon, which he is not. "Blackmail seems to work so well for you, so maybe I'm missing out." This is my favorite part because if you pause it, you can actually see a momentary ghostly image of death's dark visage hovering over her head when she says it: "Now that we've established that I own you..." Blair's like, "You are actually a dead thing." "...You have six hours to get a thousand signatures. And make sure they're legible. Have fun!" She is so fucking unctuous. Why did B even give her this meet? I would have been like, Kelsey, for your punishment you must murder Vanessa Abrams. She's standing over there. Wearing neon tights as pants. Can't miss her.

Serena lounges in her room, reading a book in a satiny chemise, as one does. Chuck laughs because she's playing by the rules, and "it's not even a school night." Do you see what I am talking about? Literally one scene ago it was MORNING, and yet you can totally believe that she's been lying here since yesterday silently stoking the fires of her hate. "Eric convinced me. What about you?" Chuck says he's on his way to a "house call," and she gives the obligatory/desultory "ew," and then kind of bitterly reminds him to be home by one. "Naïve Serena. Don't you know Bart and Lil's list of rules doesn't apply to me?" Imagine tailoring them to everybody, my God.

Chuck: "No raping on a school night. No running off on gay sex vacations in the middle of the school year. No giving prostitutes a Cleveland Steamer until after your homework. Attempts on Dan Humphrey's life are to be limited to three a month, at your discretion. No sexually harassing Nate Archibald at school, because he doesn't even know what's going on and it's just kind of mean."

Serena: "No sex tapes, no murder sprees, no public sex on any surface where food or drink are served, and no making that scary black-eyed Burger King demon face, ever. Please do not provoke Blair Waldorf in any way, because she is effing unstable. And absolutely no more giving hotshots to cokeheads."

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Gossip Girl




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