Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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One Week Of Danger

Dan, meanwhile, is harassing the DUMBO loft with a truly Jenny story that goes like so: "So then the ball came to me and so I kicked it to this guy and then you know he kicked it to another guy and he kicked it to another guy and then that guy scored, so you know it was basically an assist. Jenny attempts to care, like Dan even needs reciprocation from anybody about anything, and he gets all dazzled about how it was "awesome" and "pretty amazing." I'm feeling kind of protective toward Dan this week, actually, because normally when he's douchey it's in a specifically calculated and hideously self-aggrandizing way, but this is just the straight motherfucking chill right here.

"It's so weird that you're on a team now! I mean, pretty soon you're gonna have actual guy friends." That's my Jenny! "What-what-what are you talking about? I have plenty of guy friends!" She shakes her head, because her memory extends past the last twelve hours. "Dan, I know that you're Mr. Soccer now, but you and I both know you prefer to hang out with girls." He stares at her, honestly not getting it. "Vanessa? Serena, once upon a time? It's nothing to be ashamed of." Dan protests violently and whines to Rufus to tell Jenny about all his imaginary male friends, and Rufus is of course like, "Well, I'm your friend." Which is so Rufus and so sweet and yet I still want to slap all of them. "Or Cedric?" Jenny explains that neither family members nor Cabbage Patch dolls are part of this conversation: only shame. "Okay, watch and learn," says Dan. And I mean: watch and effing learn, because this is astonishing.

"Nate? Hey man, hey it's Humphrey. Dan. Yeah, good good. Hey listen uh you want to hook up for some soccer later? You're by the Park, right? Noon, yeah. Sweet, bro! All right. Love it. Bye."

The issues here: number them. Sweet. Bro. Love it. Not to mention how he stuttered and stammered all over himself as usual, but still managed to come off twice as nervous as he ever was when he started dating his dream girl last year. He was fucking rico suave compared to that. Jenny and Rufus look at each other like maybe the Jay McInerney thing did some permanent damage, because that was like listening to Ellis main characters be way too secure in their creepy druggy bisexuality, and the next thing that happens is Dan goes to Palm Springs and never comes home. Dan's all, "No big," sending the d-bag meter through the roof, and Jenny's like, "Is Cedric coming?" Rufus makes a realistically dorky joke about how Dan would never take Cedric to his soccer/sodomy/Pinkberry playdate because he'd have to launder him, and Dan -- who I think has literally taken leave of his senses, because once upon a time he was at least morbidly self-conscious enough to hear the words coming out of his own mouth -- heads off to primp with a "See you two later. I got my boy waiting for me!"

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Gossip Girl

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