JACK BASS RAPE CRISIS CENTER
This part is pretty good -- like all things on this show, it involves a truly insane amount of preparation for a one-joke gag, but it does it with élan. Chuck has changed the ribbon-cutting elegant party he promised into a blood drive for children with cancer! He drags Jack over to meet a little boy in a wheelchair and starts setting up this photo-op where Jack donates blood to him. Weird and unlikely? Maybe. I don't know what-all rich people are into these days. But I do think we can agree that car accidents and leukemia arise from roughly the same cause, and ultimately can be cured in a like fashion.
Jack: "Since when do ribbon cuttings involve crippled kids?"
Chuck: "Crippled kid sitting right here."
Jack: "Sorry, kid, but let's face it. You're crippled. Do not touch me."
They come closer and closer with the needle. "They" being the clowns or out-of-work actors that I guess Chuck hired to play medical professionals that would actually do a live, direct blood transfusion as entertainment for a gala. Jack jumps away, terrified that his Hep C blood will infect this little boy... And then the kid jumps up, whips off his wool cap to reveal a thick head of gorgeous hair, and climbs up Chuck like a monkey.
Chuck: "Yeah, that's right. Child actor. This little Hamlet-style play within a play within a gala within a new wing of a hospital was intended to illustrate your Hepatitis C infection. Consider it demonstrated!"
Jack: "Does this mean I don't get a hospital wing?"
Chuck: "Not necessarily, but I do need to know whose blood is up in me."
Wm vdW: "A stellar debut, by all accounts. Dick Cavett doesn't just show up for anything. Now, about that checkaroonie."
Ivy: "I'll get you your money when I'm done talking to [some celebrity or debutante of the moment I didn't bother finding out]."
Lily: "Did you entrap her yet?"
Wm vdW: "I am still working on it."
Serena: "You guys! What's up? Take any bribes yet?"
Lily: "Our home may have been stolen by Florida trash, but it's going to be okay. She offered your father a bribe, as a matter of fact."
Serena: "Okay. But wait, how do you know that?"
Lily: "He told me immediately about it, albeit while making it sound like Ivy's idea entirely."
Wm vdW: "I may well be removed as executor of the estate, but frankly that's probably for the best. I am sleazy as hell."
Serena: "So what are we waiting for? Let's sic Gossip Girl on the bitch!"
Rents: "Well, she hasn't actually written the check yet, so..."
Serena: "I see. So I have four minutes to get out of this mess I've created."