GG 1.0, immediately: "Dear Serena. Your first post as Gossip Girl was a travesty and you're an embarrassment to us all. It's actually flushed me out of hiding, is how crappy you are at every single job. Give me back my password or I will annihilate you. xoxo!"

NEXT WEEK

The heinous Diana Payne returns, the better to send Chuck completely around the bend slash give him something to do. Maybe Ivy can give Lola some advice on getting the shit stomped out of her by Diana, because for sure that is happening. Nate probably forgets he's even mad at Serena, like usual, while Dan and Blair deal with the scabies they just made sure to acquire. Best of all, Lily goes all the way to full-on Fuckabees, with like a bonnet and clothes from Tuesday Morning, and thence to full-blown alcoholic who says awesome Kirsten Cohen shit like, "I may like my Chardonnay but at least I'm not gonna die alone!" It is going to be so great, when Brooklyn finally cracks her down the middle.

JACOB CLIFTON is a freelance writer and critic based in Austin, Texas. He currently recaps Gossip Girl, The Good Wife, Pretty Little Liars and True Blood for TWoP. Jacob can be found online at jacobclifton.com, on Twitter, and on Facebook. IRL work appears in BenBella's SmartPop series of anthologies, most recently A Friday Night Lights Companion and Fringe Science.