Serena Says: "That Gossip Girl sure does fuck things up for everybody all the time. I bet she can't Be Places, either. Dizzy bitch."
Serena Thinks: "Me and my Plans."
Ivy: "You Basses and Humphreys and van der Woodsens! I should have known you'd only come to my humiliating party with an agenda!"
Wm vdW: "Well, you did ask me for a bribe."
Ivy: "No, that's totally not even what happened, but whatever."
Serena: "Blame her! Deflect onto her! We hate you, Ivy!"
Lily: "I'm sure it went just like my trustworthy ex-husband said it did. Just as I'm sure you manipulated my mother with your caring nature and compassionate dedication to her for all those months. And then kicked me out of my own house!"
Ivy: "Actually, you kicked me out of my house, and it was really shitty. And I'm starting to think that no matter how much I care about you, maybe you're not worth it. I am going to give you like six more tries and then you're out of here. Now, when can you next attend a party I will be throwing?"
Serena: "Lola! You overheard the only part of the conversation where our dad wasn't the one talking and making offers. Tell them!"
Lola: "I don't want one single percent of your shit. You people are the worst. But since you brought it up, I wouldn't really characterize it as Ivy offering him a bribe, even. He seemed really solicitous. Maybe Nate told you what I said wrong?"
Serena: "No, he was only acting that way because he knew it would be a fraud. Which is why I 'told' Gossip Girl and then 'she' posted it. So basically, you're the only person that can fix what I broke."
Lola: "I do not want to set a precedent here. You tend to fuck everything up a lot of the time. That's quite a commitment."
Serena: "This is your chance to help our family!"
Lola: "Stop saying 'our' family. I am planning on holding this over your head for another several months before my inner Vanessa finally caves and 'lets' you shower me with opportunities and gifts and cash money."
Serena: "That sounds like a lot of Carol nonsense. Just because every time you accuse us of being horrible money-grubbers we immediately grub money in horrible ways doesn't mean she wasn't wrong. She was just trying to alienate you from us so that she would have you to herself. Why else wouldn't she tell you of your mysterious parentage?"
Lola: "The hell does my mystery dad have to do with this?"
Serena: "Without him, and without your bitch mother, we are all you have."
Lola: "That is the most depressing goddamned thing I have ever heard."